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36 - At The Door

I ignored the knocking at the door, being in no state to see anyone. It wouldn't stop though, and soon was accompanied by a voice calling my name insistently. His voice. What the hell did he want? Come to make sure I got the message loud and clear?

"Go away," I told him through the door.

"Cara, let me in."

I snorted.

"Dammit, what is it with you and this door? Cara, let me in so we can talk."

"I don't think we have anything to talk about Benedict."

"Fuck. Why are you calling me Benedict?"

"It's your name; surely you're clever enough to deduce that?"

He mumbled something I didn't catch at my Sherlock dig, then said more clearly, "You only call me Benedict when you're angry at me or something is wrong."

"Newsflash, Brainiac; sometimes it's both."

The other side of the door was silent for a while before he spoke again, in a much quieter voice. "Why aren't you at Bob's tonight?"

"Oh I see; I was supposed to be at work and not been any the wiser about your little party."

"No! That's not what I meant at all." I snorted again, hearing a frustrated growl in response. "I didn't tell you about the party because I thought you would be working and I also didn't think you'd want to come."

Ah, so I was supposed to have worked out sooner that we were over, so that the whole birthday thing would be a moot point. God, what an idiot I was. "Well, I'm sorry I was so obtuse, but I get the point now Benedict; you can go back to the guests who are actually welcome."

"What? No, of course you're welcome, I just meant...Cara...I can't take these mixed messages. God, woman, you're driving me crazy!"

"Mixed messages? What are you talking about? The phone message?"

"No, not the phone...why would you think...Cara, if you want to end it, please just tell me and put me out of my misery."

But I don't...He...What? "Don't toy with me, that's cruel. You're the one who's ending it; I'm just the idiot too stupid to realise it sooner."

"What the hell? I am not ending it, what are you...Fuck! Would you please let me in? Talking to you through a door is..."

"You're not ending it?"

"No, of course not; I love you, why would I want to end it? Cara, would you please open this bloody door and..."

I cut him off. "Ben, I am completely confused right now and if I open the door I'm more than likely to punch you, so are you sure you'd like me to open it?"

He didn't answer immediately, but when he did his response was, "You called me Ben."

I laid my head against the door, tears threatening again. "Ben, please, I...I can't take much more..."

He groaned. "Darling, if you're going to cry, you have to let me in."

"I'm not crying."

"I can hear it in your voice. Sweetheart, please..."

I sighed and pulled myself under control. "I'm fine. I'm not letting you in."

There was quiet again before he said in a low voice, "Do you hate me that much?"

My heart wrenched. "I don't hate you, how could I hate you? Ben, I...if I see you I will want to touch you and I can't...whatever the hell is going on...before I lose my sanity all together...I know it's not ideal, but can we just talk through the door for now? Please?"

"Okay." He gave a deep sigh and I could picture him running his hand through his hair and the scruff on his chin. "Why do you think I'm breaking up with you?"

"Because you didn't invite me to your party or even tell me about it; because you haven't been in touch all week; because you were distant on Sunday night and because of what you said on Sunday morning," I listed.

"What did I say on Sunday morning that upset you?"

"You said...you said the decision was mine alone and that it was my future."

He was quiet again for a while. "What did you want me to say?"

Oh God, could I say it? What if he doesn't feel the same way, even now, in spite of all we're putting ourselves through here? Could I bear to have my heart broken any more than it is already?

"Cara, tell me, please love. What did you want me to say?"

"Ours." I said softly. "I wanted you to say ours." I took a deep breath. "I wanted you to say it was our future. I wanted you to tell me you would be there no matter what I decided and if I had to be away for months on end, you would be waiting for me, and I would do the same for you when you had to be away." I wiped my face, finding more tears I hadn't realised had fallen. "When you didn't, I thought...I thought you didn't want to be in my future. And then you didn't call me and you didn't tell me about your party, so..."

"So it just seemed to confirm what you were thinking."

I nodded, then realised he couldn't see that, so squeaked out a "Yes," instead.

"Oh Cara...I need you to know I was hoping for the same thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted you to say you wanted me to be part of the decision making and part of your future."

For the first time all week, a small ray of hope flickered in my chest. "You did?"

"But you didn't, and then you were so quiet at your grandparents' place and hardly said a word on the way home; you called me Benedict when we said goodnight...I thought you'd had enough of me and I didn't tell you about my party because I didn't think you'd want to come." I whimpered. "Then Tom told me you'd been and I knew that meant you weren't working at Bob's; it gave me hope and I had to come find out why." He took a deep breath, I could hear it clearly. "Cara...darling, I love you and I want to be in your future and I'll support you no matter what decision you make about the album. I want to be the one you miss while you travel the world on your sold out tour and I want to be who you come home to afterwards. Sweetheart...please open the door, I desperately need to see your beautiful face."

"There's just one more thing I need to tell you," I said, pulse racing and heart thumping madly.

"What's that love?"

"The door's not locked."