How It's Going To Be [h.s.]

Chapter 44

London felt completely empty. The moment the plane landed, I felt none of the hope or possibility London often inspired in me. The sky was the same dull grey it had been when I left. It washed the city out completely, and I was washed out too. All of the positivity in me diminished. I felt hollow.

The digital strategy team was given two days off while the band traveled from the United Kingdom to a different part of Europe. The travel made it difficult to reach Harry, so I spent the two days in bed miserably. I didn't want to be in bed without Harry, but I also didn't want to get out of bed and be in the world without Harry.

Saturday came and I felt a burst of energy I had been lacking for weeks. Being alone was starting to feel unbearable. I needed to get out of my flat and do something. I needed someone. I called Alessandra and she invited me to an afternoon yoga class with her. I wasn't too keen on going to yoga, but it was something more productive than sitting at home and wasting another day feeling sorry for myself.

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The yoga studio was small with big windows allowing a flood of natural light. The studio smelled of lavender and the old hardwood floor was lined with orange yoga mats. A track of rainforest sounds played from a speaker system.

"Lovely here, isn't it?" Alessandra asked.

"Very," I nodded uncertainly.

"This will be good for you. You need to relax a little."

"You're right," I admitted.

Alessandra and I sat together on yoga mats and talked quietly while we stretched before the instructor began. I told her about New York and missing my flight. She was sympathetic, but clearly didn't understand why I wanted to see Harry so badly. The fact that Alessandra didn't know about my amnesia meant that she would never know why I was so anxious without Harry.

I endured the yoga class with minimal complaints. Truthfully, the stretches felt good after spending days in bed. The atmosphere was calming and I was able to relieve stress by clearing my head. Moving from one position to the next deliberately with precise movements made me feel like I was in control of my body for the first time in a long time. With my memory loss, I often felt at the mercy of some other force, not my own self. It was oddly therapeutic to be able to focus my energy inwardly and not have to think.

"Not bad, right?" Alessandra asked as we walked down the corridor out of the studio.

"No, it was actually really good. Thanks for inviting me." I squinted into the sunlight as we entered the city street.

"Let's go get a smoothie," she suggested.

I sat across from Alessandra in a noisy organic juicery. Customers entered and shouted their orders over whirring blenders making smoothies. A small bell attached to the door rang ceaselessly as people entered and exited. I sipped the smoothie in front of me. Flavors of passion fruit, pineapple, guava, and strawberry were sweet after such sour weeks. Alessandra ordered something completely green made of kale and celery. She held back a cringe as she took her first sip.

"You really miss him."

"Hmm?"

"It's written all over your face."

"It's hard not to miss him, you know?" I said softly.

"Harry is so good to you," Alessandra sighed. She rested her chin in her hand and stirred her smoothie with her straw absentmindedly.