How It's Going To Be [h.s.]

Chapter 94

Is this how it's going to be, I asked myself. I clutched the sides of the porcelain basin with such force that I could feel my fingers begin to tingle. My reflection stared back at me through the mirror in the dim lighting of the Cuckoo Club's bathroom. I was in leather jacket over a crisp white button down shirt and skintight black jeans. It was a shame I didn't feel nearly as fierce as I looked. The thud of the bass traveled through the walls and made the floor vibrate. On the other side of the door, Zayn's launch party was in full swing.

Am I always going to feel this way? Am I always going to be this scared to face him? Will he always haunt me? Like a child afraid of a monster, I had hidden myself away in the bathroom the moment I heard Harry had walked into the party.

I stared down at my hands and slowly loosened my grip. I turned the tap on and let a stream of icy-cold water pour over my shaking hands. I watched my skin turn colors from the sudden change in temperature. Somewhere in the club, the DJ changed the song. I rotated my hands under the water as a new beat began. There was a steadiness to the rhythm. It was like a heartbeat. I found myself nodding along to it. Suddenly, the DJ added a new sound on top of the existing beat. It was a faraway mechanical whine, a staple for dubstep. The shrieking sound ascended, then descended in a predictable pattern. It was almost like...a siren.

New sounds were layered on top of the song, but I couldn't stop focusing on the siren sound. It burned in my mind and repeated until I turned off the tap and staggered backward into the wall. My breathing sped up and I couldn't calm down. My sense of hearing was overwhelmed by the siren sound. I felt like I was going to be sick. I pushed the door open to one of the cubicles and locked it behind me. I leaned over the toilet, but nothing happened. The screeching sound rose and fell in time.

When my head started swimming and my mind flickered, I realized I was recalling a memory. The siren was triggering something within me. I rested my weight against the cubicle wall and tried to focus on coaxing the memory back to me. It was difficult; the memory was resistant. It came back jagged and heavy, unlike any other I had experienced before. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. 

____________

His hand was clasped tightly around mine. We were walking shoulder to shoulder on the narrow walkway while a mass of people was crowding around. It was cold out, and I was watching the little puffs of steam that appeared every time either of us exhaled. I looked over to his face. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were pursed. With his eyes diverted to the ground before us, I nudged him. Immediately, his green eyes locked with mine.

"Harry," I smiled, "kiss me."

"Not right now," he nodded to the cameras that were incessantly snapping pictures and the loud crowd of people.

"Let's give them a show," I teased.

He laughed lightly at my proposition and squeezed my hand playfully. "I'm not kissing you for the cameras." Harry's response was good-natured, but I could see past his teasing tone. Lately, he had been tense, but he wouldn't talk about it with me. No matter how gently I brought up the issue, he would always shrug it off.

There was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind as we walked down the street toward the restaurant. It was a feeling I couldn't name; it was somewhere between guilty and worried. Whatever it was, it had been plaguing me for a week. It all began when Laura, Henry, and Terrence accused me of being detrimental to Harry's wellbeing. How can I swallow the thought of hurting the person I care for most? I had been waiting for the right time to bring the issue up with Harry, but he was so busy that time slipped away from me.