Escape (Ezria)

18. it's my fault.

I was sitting on my bed, a pillow on my lap, my head buried into it. A river of tears streaming down my face. What did I do? What did I start? It's my fault he's dead. If I just hadn't pushed him to the edge. The sun had gone down again and the sky turned pitch-black. Why didn't I realize how bad the situation was until it got pitch-black? Little pieces of his voice flew through my mind, pushing more tears forward. Like there would never come an end to it.

I'm captivated by her very existence, She's just magnificently beautiful. She is the solution to my mind heart and soul, she, she can make me happy." I failed, I didn't make him happy. I made him worse, his life was at least a bit stable before I came around. But then how did it still felt like he was still here? Watching me? watching the guilt slowly blackening my soul.

"It's very easy to understand that she doesn't love me." I wished I had never lied to him like that. I loved him. He was the one. He still was.

"Just the thought of her fills my emptiness, why can't that feeling last forever? Why does it have to be taken away?"

Why did he go? Why didn't he take me with him? Where was he? Was he outside, in the woods, staring in the lake? I got up and put my shoes on. I then walked out of my apartment. The first time I'd been outside since it happened, since 12 days. I walked to the parking lot and skipped my car, instead I walked to the end of the street, I turned left. Nobody seemed to notice me. I then walked to the woods, I had to find him. He just couldn't be gone.. He had to be somewhere!

"The only thing keeping me from slashing a blade through my flesh is the tiny thread of hope that believes my love for her is something that will last forever and I'm clinging on to." I started running.

" I love her." I started running faster.

"She brightens up the darkness in my heart like the city nights do with the night horizon" twigs were creaking under me as I stepped on them.

"And I'm scared for being scared. Does that equal scarred? I think it does." A twig stung me in my flank, I felt blood dripping out of it.

"I was only a temporary cure to her fear of being alone. I was just angry.. and I'm sorry," I was completely alone in the woods. I didn't even hear an owl hooting.

"I had the pleasure of meeting my insanity through her beauty and kindness. Her sweet lips and her soft touch." The moon peeked through the roof of leaves as I started coming closer to the lake.

"I love her" I reached the lake.

I wanted to slow down my breathing, but it didn't seem like a possibility. My body just wouldn't listen. 'Ezra?' I screamed. Where was he hiding? 'EZRA?' I yelled. 'I know you're mad at me' I said. He had to be here. I just know he was. I could feel his presence. 'Look I'm sorry' I pleaded. No response. Was this his way of punishing me for what I'd done? Was this his way of telling me off? 'Ezra..' I uttered. No response. Tears started streaming down my face, god how much water could pour out of one's body in a week. He really wasn't there.. he left me. and it was my own goddamn fault. I fell down on my knees, they wouldn't listen to what my brain had to say. I wouldn't listen to what my brain had to say, if it even had to say anything. I sat there and cried. I cried till dawn, I cried at the sunrise. I cried at the beautiful orange that covered the horizon. I cried until two young men found me, I was in the worst state they had ever seen someone in, according to them. I cried because he left me, and he didn't take me with him. I cried because he left me, and it was my own fault.