An Easy Friend

Chapter 5

Nightmares. I have them. I hate them. I can't get rid of them.

My nightmares are usually about my in my real life just in horrific situations. Sometimes they can be about my daydreams, only they don't end like I want them to. Tonight, it's about my depression.

Holding back depression is like trying to stop the faucet without turning the handle; nearly impossible. These past few days I've been able to control it around my new friends. But now that things have gotten settled, my sadness has come back. I don't want Krist or Kurt to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. This is the reason I don't have any friends in the first place.

In my sophomore year I became very depressed, even to the point of considering suicide. I told my friends about it so much that they became bored of me. And they drifted apart, but insisted we were best friends. So I left. I couldn't stand how false all of it was. I vowed never to tell anyone about my feelings again.

Every now and again, it catches up to me and it weighs me down like a sack of bricks. This is one of those times. I'm sitting under our tree, the usual thing for the last 3 weeks. My two friends are headed my way and I find myself contemplating whether or not I should make up an excuse to leave. I had been crying in other classes and you could see it on my face. Yes, I'll just leave, it's better for them.

"Hey Ally. Can we call you Ally?" Krist calls out to me.

I smile a bit. "Sure. If I can call you Kristy and Kurty."

They're in front of me now. "Kristy? What the fuck, man. I don't like it. Kurty is cute though." Krist elbowed Kurt.

"So, uh," I hesitate, making an excuse. "I think I need to go to the nurse. I uh, don't feel well."

Kurt sits in front of me and inspects me. "Have you been crying?" he asks softly.

"No." I say simply.

Krist sits beside Kurt. "Sure looks like it." He says, staring at me.

"Guys, honestly I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. See?" I flash them a smile.

Kurt furrows his eyebrows, questioning me. But Krist seems to take my word. "Alrighty, if you say so." he says and takes a sip of his soda. I relax more. It seems that they won't ask me about it anymore.

"Oh shit I forgot about Shelli!" Krist says suddenly. He gets up, says, "Au revoir!" and leaves in the direction of the garden. I turn back around and Kurt is still staring at me. My eyes are magnetically attracted to his. He holds my gaze for a while. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like hours to me.

"I know you're lying." He says. I raise an eyebrow.

"And how do you suppose you know that?" I challenge.

"I just know." He says, breaking the gaze. I look away too. His eyes can get really intense. They're such a pretty color.

"That's not important." Kurt says, bringing me back town to Earth. "What is is that you've been crying and I want to know why."

This caught me off guard. "You want to know why?" I ask quietly.

"Of course I do," he looks at me again, "we're friends. If there's someone's ass I have to beat I will beat it. And also you just admitted that I was right." Damn, he's good.

"No one's ass needs to be beaten." I say with a small laugh. "Its nothing I can't work out myself." How am I supposed to tell him that i have no idea why I am depressed anymore?

-

"Hey, Allison?"

Uh-oh. I know that tone. That's the "there's something you know that I don't and I want you to tell me" tone.

I turn to my 6th period chemistry lab partner, Claire. "Yes?"

She hesitates. "So, I was wondering. It's just, I saw you with someone today and, I don't know, I..." I motion for her to spit it out already. "I saw you with that Cobain guy today. During lunch."

"Oh." I say, turning back around. Is that all?

"So, like, are you with him or what?" she asked excitedly. I turn right back around.

Anger floods through me. "You know, just because two people are alone does not mean they are together like that." I don't like it when people jump to conclusions.

"Alright, alright, I was just asking. I think it's better that you aren't with him. I heard rumors about him. Bad ones." she says pointedly.

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear." I tell her.

"I guess so." she says quietly. When she realizes she isn't getting any answers from me, she turns back to her work. As do I.

I don't know much about Kurt, so I don't know whether I or not I was right to quickly disprove the rumors. But Kurt was my friend.
I felt the need defend him.