Nicotine Hearts || (In Editing)

18

At first I replaced the burn of my heart with the burn of alcohol.

At first I couldn't handle the idea of being left behind.

At first I couldn't accept the shame of wanting something I couldn't have.

At first I thought the torment would never end.

In some ways, it probably wouldn't. Events that happen change the course of our future without us even realising it, and they change us too. Just a little bit.

This slightly different me wasn't actually that surprised when I could finally spend a sober day. I didn't just suddenly stop loving Silas, it wasn't an overnight change.

But everyday I was able to come to terms with my new life, I wasn't going to throw everything away for him- I'd worked so hard.

I was a good student, and as much as he was a bad one, he wasn't a bad influence. He respected and admired that fact that I valued my education, and I didn't let my feelings for that affect that whilst we were together- I found a balance.

Then he stepped off the scale and I tipped and fell off.

I couldn't and can't do anything about it. He avoids me and ignores me, and he was to blame so I wouldn't be able to apologise without feeling pathetic and being a pushover. It was his decision and I can't force someone to love me. I let his coldness succumb me.

But no more. It made me more determined to make something of myself.

I would be something he regrets losing.
I'd be something that I would be proud of, I'm not this lovesick little girl who blindly follows her affections where they are not deserved.

No, I am strong and I am independent. I am more than what he made me feel like when he left me.

It was these wavering thoughts that piled up onto my empty scale and balanced my thoughts once again and I began to see that although he meant a lot to me, other things mattered too.

I should have never let him become my everything, but that's a lesson I'd benefit from learning as my life continued.

Fall came and it had been a full week before he entered my mind. I forgot about him for a week, a full week. I made new friends in the past months, didn't spend nights wondering where he was.

That was when I knew that I changed a little after him. I was stronger.

I thought that would be it, I'd move on forever and live happily. Boy, was I wrong.

Authors Note: Double update because it's my birthdayyyyeeeeee ✨