Tomorrow - Dylmas Fanfiction

Unbearable

Extract from Thomas Sangster's Journal ~ 'Some things can dull the pain for a while, but nothing will ever truly get rid of it. It follows me around like a lead shadow, its weight on my shoulders, weakening me until I eventually collapse. It didn't have to be like this. I keep playing different scenarios in my head. What if I'd helped? What if we'd run off together and started a new life? But that is not what happened.'

"Make no mistake about this, I hate you. But your boyfriend over here has insisted that I ring you and ask you to come to St. Peters hospital right now," Tyler shot down the phone.

Wait, what? Did Dylan still consider me his boyfriend? "Okay," I choked, stabbing the end call button and shoving my phone back in my pocket. I stared at my bleeding wrist, suddenly realising the severe pain it was causing me. The sight of it made me feel light headed. What was I thinking? No more guilt? The guilt was rapidly returning and the throbbing in my wrist getting more intense. Dylan couldn't see this! It made me even more of a selfish coward than I'd already proven myself to be! Oh god. I heaved myself up and rushed to the bathroom, grabbing a large hunk of toilet paper and clamping it around the cut. It stung like hell and I winced as the loo roll drew the blood from my wound. I carefully opened the cupboard above the sink to search for a plaster or bandage - anything to hide the scar that exposed my feelings. Thankfully, I found a bandage and wrapped it around my cut, struggling to tie the end. I pulled my sleeve over the bandage and ran out the hotel room, locking the door behind me.

***

"Excuse me?" I spoke quietly, nerves, apprehension, excitement and confusion pumping through me and creating a barrier between my brain and the rest of the world. 

"Yes?" the receptionist asked.

"I'm here to see Dylan O'Brien, which way?"

She flicked through an over filled binder, "Left and up the stairs," she pointed down a corridor labelled 'to critical', "I assume you've been informed of his condition."

"Yes," I lied, my stomach flipping in terror. I started down the corridor.

               "Dylan?" I whispered, edging the door open.

"Get in here then," Tyler snapped.

A gasp escaped my mouth. Dylan lay on a bed in the middle of the room, pale and lifeless, hundreds of chords and tubes entering and leaving his body in numerous different places. He didn't move a muscle when I entered. It didn't have to be like this. If only I'd helped, if only if only if only. Not now, Thomas. "What happened?" I yelp-whispered.

"Internal bleeding from a major artery," Tyler replied.

Dylan's eyes peeled open slightly. I ran over to hug him. I couldn't help it. "I'll leave you two love-birds for 5 minutes then," Tyler said, walking through the door slowly.

"Don't blame yourself," Dylan said so quietly it was barely audible, "Ordinarily I'd be angry for a while, but I figured I haven't got time for that, so I just had to find a way to forgive you before it was too late. I love you Tommy, I'm glad it was me not you."

"W-what?" I stammered.

"Tommy, I'm dying."

Oh God. No. Not now. This can't be true. This isn't real. I will wake up next to Dylan and we will both be happy and healthy again. No tears escaped,  I was numb. "Dylan. No, no you're not. We're in a hospital! They can fix you! I love you! Not now! We can run off and make a new life together!" I threw my arms around his limp body, kissing him on the cheek, the tears beginning to fall.

"I wish we could, but it's too late. Keep me in your heart but I have to go now. Never forget I love you," Dylan closed his eyes and I knew that was the last time I would see the light in them. The last time I would see those beautiful, lively, happy chestnut eyes with the indescribable look of Dylan in them. I couldn't let that happen.

"DYLAN!!" I screamed, whacking the panic button at the side of his bed.

Tyler shot into the room, "What the hell is going on?!"

"Dylan! He's, he's.." I couldn't speak. My throat was closing up. My legs were failing. This wasn't happening. I fell to the ground, fumbling under the blankets for Dylan's hand.

"Thomas! Speak!" Tyler cried, his attempt at holding back tears failing.

I found his hand, not cold or stiff yet, but lifeless. Dylan. The only person, the only thing that held me together since the day I met him. Gone. Forever. No. I screamed, I screamed the loudest I've ever screamed before, and I will never scream that noise again. A scream of pain, utter desperation, guilt, sorrow. I didn't care who heard it or what they'd think of me. I screamed at the top of my lungs and couldn't stop. I thought I'd never stop. The pain drowned me. It suffocated me, forced its way inside me until the only thing I could feel was pain. Nothing else existed. Every second worse than the last, I was being dragged down and swamped with pain. It's impossible to describe accurately. A physical pain beginning in your abdomen, spreading through your body like lead pumping through your veins. It crushes you and makes you feel like a ton of boulders have fallen on you. Then it locks you in a pitch black room alone, with no way of escaping. No one understands. No one cares and even if they did there would be no way to help.

                    Somewhere far off, I felt hands on my shoulders shaking me and a high pitched female voice ringing in my ears. Probably a nurse. I didn't care who it was. I didn't care, I didn't care I didn't care. Nothing could touch my any more. I was broken beyond repair. I'd lost everything. He was gone. No more cuddles from his strong, comforting arms, no more fluffy mop to ruffle, no more Dylan smirk and perky nose. But worst, worst of all was no more crazy puppy excitableness, ridiculous dancing or the unexplainable talent to be stupid and level headed, childish and mature and kind and jokingly insulting all at the same time. I could never have a relationship like the one I had with Dylan ever again. I just needed one more kiss, one more word, one more day but I would never get that and anything unfinished between us would stay that way for eternity.