Tomorrow - Dylmas Fanfiction

Brave

Warning: Self-harm

Extract from Thomas Sangster's journal ~ "To anyone that cares, I'm sorry for doing this but I have no other option. I've reached my limit and this is the only way out. I'm fed up of trying and pretending and hiding. There's just no point any more. At least if what I believe in is true, then I'll be with him again soon. Mum, this is for you: Thank you for being there for me and for caring for me all my life. Thank you for believing in me and trying to support me every step of the way. Please don't think you've failed - it's me not you. I wanted to speak to you for the last time but I knew I couldn't because I'd end up telling you and I knew you'd try and stop me. I love you.

Ava, this is for you: Thank you for being the best sister in the world. I hope all the childhood memories of playing music and putting on plays with our cousins will stay with me after, well you know. We had arguments but that's all part of being siblings. Sorry that I couldn't be your brother for longer than 23 years. I love you.

I slammed the book shut as tears began to dribble down my face once again. Was I really doing this? I reminded myself of Dylan. Yes. Taking a deep breath, I re opened my notebook and ripped out the page I'd just written. My eyes scanned the words, making sure I was satisfied with what would be my final words to my family. I thought of my fans, the uproar after Dylan's death. Would the same thing happen for me? It didn't matter. I was done with life and everything it entailed if Dylan couldn't accompany me. My pale hand shaking, I lay the scruffy piece of paper onto the table and stood there for a minute, debating whether or not to destroy my journal. Eventually I decided against it, thinking that it might help my family/the few people that cared about me to understand my decision. I exhaled heavily and my entire life flashed before my eyes in a second. 'This is the only way out,' I reminded myself. I checked my phone. 11:36 am. Not that it mattered. Did anything left matter? I imagined the entire universe, how insignificant and unimaginably minuscule Earth was. I imagined how gigantic Earth seemed to me, how tiny I was compared to it. Only one human life. Something so insignificant and temporary compared to the grand scheme of things. One life ending, among the 150,000 others that end every day is so ridiculously insignificant I began to wonder if anyone would even notice that I was gone. Perspective is a strange thing.

I knew it was time. I would chicken out if it wasn't now and I couldn't do that. I wanted this. I had to do this. The only way out. I washed the sentence round and round my brain. I opened the bathroom cupboard and stared at the abundance of sleeping pills that I had collected over the last few weeks. Grabbing two mugs, I filled the first with tap water and emptied the pills into the second. This was it. Be brave I thought, gulping down the first pill with a wash of water. One. Another. Two. Again. Three. Was I really doing this? Four. Every swallow is a swallow closer to Dylan. Five. Six. Black spots inked my vision. Seven. I heard a crash in the distance and a dull pain in my side. Eight. My vision disappeared completely. Nine. Nearly there. Ten. I couldn't go back now. Eleven. A thought bubbled up from within me. One that I suddenly realised I'd been incessantly suppressing the last few weeks. I didn't want to do this. Oh God. I could feel my life slipping away, a fierce pain spreading through my chest. I clung to life, but I felt like I was falling. Far, far away from reality. I was going. I didn't want to go now! I could work through it! No one was going to know I didn't want to die. A blackness like a warm yet uncomfortable blanket encased me. I wanted to move but no matter how hard I tried, I was stuck there. Paralysed, alone and terrified.

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Turns out soon is the next day (because I am procrastinating from revision..). Sorry about the slightly false warning above, but saying anything else would have been too much of a spoiler. Thanks for reading :)