Deceitful (A Naruto Fanfic)

Chapter 45: Sakura

New chapter, sorry it's a bit short, I'm on a trip with my family right now. Enjoy~
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"I'm so confused." I sighed, walking at a slower pace than usual. Though I removed the blood clot in Kakashi's leg, it would take some time before it would be fully healed.

"Well, I'd enlighten you but that's a job for a Haruno." He hinted, stopping suddenly.

"So, that means a visit for Samantha?" I questioned, turning to look at him.

"Precisely. Under strict orders you know." He elaborated.

"Tsunade?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah."

I sighed, running a hand through my choppy pink locks. Kakashi hasn't been the same since that fight. You'd think a seasoned ninja would have a little more tolerance for the completely insane.

He's been quiet. And the quiet irritates me to no end. I wanted answers. I hated being ignorant. There was so much to say, but we both stayed quiet. It was the civil thing to do. Unloading life's stresses and misfortunes and your own self pity wasn't exactly respected.

But it was just that. Keeping all those thoughts and memories inside and hidden was what was gnawing on my being from the inside to the out.

Occasionally I'd catch my reflection in his headband and what I saw did not resemble Sakura Haruno.

My eye was tired, the other being covered by a thick white eye patch. I was gaunt and thin, due to exhaustion. Essentially, I was tired. From a medical standpoint, I'd say my mental fatigue was manifesting into physical problems.

I never really studied the medicine that involved the mind. Not that it wasn't interesting, but I couldn't wrap my head around the ideas it taught.

Mental illness for example, it was so incredible to think the mind could be broken, and there was no cure. Medicine has come so far and yet there was no cure.

The Interrogation units of Konoha focused on that, so I never really paid attention to it. It still is interesting, nonetheless. Even if in the past I once dismissed that same type of problem as irrelevant.

I smiled. I was such an ignorant jerk back then. I still am, but less so now.

"How come shinobi don't break?" I spoke, breaking the longstanding silence.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the question, prompting me to elaborate.

"What I mean is, how can they kill and feel nothing? How can they stay sane and not wonder about the morality of their being?" I mumbled, my voice becoming louder with each sentence.

"Sakura."

"Don't they feel guilt? Shame? Fatigue? Please tell me." My voice became shaky with each statement.

He sighed, sensing the dam had burst.

"Teach me how to not be human. Teach me how to be a good shinobi because the one I am now feels so lost." I said, tears welling up without my consent.

"I'm confused and I'm ignorant and I'm flawed and it feels like my head's going to explode." I continued with a note of hysteria in my tone.

He let me continue.

"Why did I even become a ninja? I'm young, but I feel so old. I'm experienced, one of the best of my peers, but that is nothing. It doesn't equate to the pain I'm in. I feel like I'm broken beyond repair. Like I'm a sword with a broken hilt. I'm a threat to not only my enemies but to the people who handle me. The people I care about." I dropped my gaze and stared at the floor.

"So please, if you could and I'd appreciate it, just instruct me on how to stop feeling. I have the capability of being a great ninja if I can shut those away." I sobbed, signaling the end.

I felt arms around me and I cried harder.

"If I had never become a shinobi. If my mom had never died. If Samantha had never left. If I was just normal, things would be much more easier to grasp. I wouldn't spend hours after you've gone to sleep questioning my existence." I whispered, tears free falling.

"A shinobi who has emotions is a shinobi that can conquer all. I know you're hurting, and I know words can't make it better. I've been there. I know what it's like. Yes, I know everything is corrupt and being oblivious to it is the root of your unease. I know." He spoke solemnly, reading my features before he continued.

"But that same ignorance allows us to function, to breathe. It's almost a symbol of life. We omit details about the unfairness of things to grasp concepts better. " Kakashi informed soothingly.

I remained silent, unsure if his words were comforting.

"Shinobi aren't sane. Actually, all of them feel the same way you do. Shinobi are excellent at hiding, that's all." He stopped, glancing at me before continuing smoothly.

"We teach you to see through deception, which is completely hypocritical since no shinobi confronts these issues and chooses to acknowledge the deception instead of what's underneath. Definitely a problem with our curriculum and I'll be sure to take that up with Tsunade." He finished lightly, eliciting a soft chuckle from me.

"I'm sorry, for all of this. I should be better at concealing all this." I sighed, sniffling.

"Don't be. You're different and you're in this awkward position. You aren't young, but you're not old. You're a shinobi, but you're human too. I guarantee every one has been through this." He reassured, wiping tears from my face.

"So what now? I just stay ignorant?" I challenged lamely.

"You're not truly ignorant, since you've realized this. I'd say you're informed, but stagnant. There's nothing you can do to change that ignorance, since it's the only way to survive. I personally would have been taken down by my own guilt if I recognized and took responsibility for all my actions." Kakashi explained calmly.

"Then, who's Rin?" I asked quietly, feeling like a child who didn't have the right to speak.

"She, is what made me realize that ignorance equates to survival." He murmured.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

The wind picked up, weaving through the trees as the warm sun started to move downwards.

"I'm okay, thank you for being here." I stated as I untangled myself from him and started out with a slow pace again.

"Shinobi go through these things alone, but we make up for the fact by having others around who feel the same problems. Kind of like having a rock to grasp onto when you're drowning in ocean water." Kakashi supplied.

"So you're my rock?" I asked, coincidentally climbing over one before looking back at him.

"As long as you need one, yes." He answered.

For a split second an image of Rock Lee and Kakashi mixed together went through my mind.

I threw my head back and laughed. Peals of laughter escaped my lips as I gasped for air.

I laughed until my stomach hurt and I grasped onto the rock for stability.

"I- You- Lee-" I couldn't contain the grin on my face as the image became clearer.

"Let me guess, a vision- Rock Lee and I morphed into one?" Kakashi deadpanned.

That one sentence had me in tears, my laugh bouncing off the trees.

Kakashi sighed before passing me, while I was on the ground crying tears of laughter, nodding in response to his question.

"We'll be making a detour to Samantha before Konoha." He called out, moving further away.

"W-wait for me!" I sprinted after him, a smile still on my lips.

The ocean levels dropped, and the hundreds of rocks could be seen from afar, in a sense.