Kylo let me have the last few days off.
Not that I really enjoyed that because all I was allowed to do was stay in my quarters. I've been staring at the ceiling a lot. There isn't much else to do.
All of this waiting around for someone to retrieve me or to notify me of what to do is really angering and has me feeling antsy. I have been especially fidgety since the whole killing thing and I don't quite know why, but I'm actually itching to go back to the training room to fight. Maybe it's to let steam off, or maybe it's for me to see if the room has been cleaned up and polished.
Does the first order have cleaning people? Come to think of it, I've never really seen anyone clean anything but somehow the place is always spotless.
My anger for Kylo remains, but has dwindled since my first kill. It has decreased for good reason, though.
Every night since the accident, I've had a reoccurring nightmare about the big man and I where I kill him and enjoy it. It scares me so much that I wake up screaming. I never wake up alone, though, because Kylo is always the one to wake me to remind me that it was just a dream.
But it isn't just a dream. It happened. I killed someone with my own hands, with my own weapon. It may not have been intentional, but I killed that man.
The scarier part for me is the enjoyment I found in killing the man in my dream.
It plays out the same way every time. Instead of me pulling the knife to block the man as he fell on me, I reach up and intentionally twist the knife in the mans throat, grinning as his blood drips on me.
That's where I start screaming every time.
Could I ever enjoy killing someone?
How could anyone ever be okay with taking another person's life? Especially if that person had never done anything wrong. It doesn't make sense to me, but Kylo seems to manage it just fine.
It just doesn't make sense how someone could be so heartless as to kill another person and feel no remorse about it.
Pushing all of these thoughts out of my mind so that I don't visualize my own victim, I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
I try to think of anything else to keep my mind distracted, but in a boring room with my boring life, there's only one thing that stands out for me to think about.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot get rid of thoughts about me killing another person. The remorseful thoughts are mostly gone, but there are so many other thoughts that stem from that.
I think about what it would be like to kill other people. People that aren't trying to kill me.
I think about the way it felt for my blade to go through the flesh of another human being. Flesh that rips apart so easily.
I think about turning into a heartless, cold hearted human being. A human being like Kylo.
All of these thoughts infuriate me and I don't know how to control this emotion. It's not emotion I've ever had in this amount and my hands shake from it.
I sit up quickly, looking around the room. I try to think of something that could calm my anger, but nothing comes to mind.
I do the first thing that feels natural.
There is a lamp that sits on a table next to my bed. I grab it and throw it across the room, watching it shatter and fall to the floor in pieces after it smashes against the wall. A tiny bit of relief comes when I see and hear this so I look around for something else to demolish.
The drawers on the dresser on the other side of my room are the only thing I can immediately think of, so I rush over to the dresser and yank the top one out, turning at my waist and throwing it down, watching it slide across the floor after cracking upon impact.
I go for the next drawer, doing the same thing, adding a scream in to help get rid of the wrath inside of me.
I continue doing this until there is nothing else for me to throw or break. By then, I am heaving, my lungs burning from the exertion. I enjoy the feeling and my anger is nearly put out.
That felt so good. I didn't know that it could feel that amazing to get rid of my anger in that way.
I look down at my hands, seeing a few scratches and blood from my wrath. I smile at them indifferently.
"Well done," I hear, causing me to jump.
I turn quickly to look at my doorway, seeing Kylo Ren standing there. He is leaned up against the frame of the door with a curiously pleased look on his features. His eyes meet mine after scanning the room.
"I didn't know you had this in you," he comments, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.
My rage is back, and I'm suddenly angry that he saw all of this. This is my rage and mine only. No one else should feel satisfaction from it.
"You feel that?" He says, stepping over the mess to get to me. He takes his time. "That anger just boiling inside of you?"
I stare back at him, still breathless and still angry.
"The more you give into that anger, the stronger you will be," he tells me, making it over the last large piece of rubble before standing right in front of me.
"The satisfaction you're feeling right now from all of this," he gestures to the mess around us, "only gets better."
I keep my eyes on his as he grabs a piece of my hair and tucks it behind my ear. "You're so close to being ready, Lyra. So close."
I know I'm becoming exactly what he wants me to be, but I don't know if that is something I find pleasure in. I don't want to be a tool.
He was right though. I did enjoy what I just did to my room. I can't imagine if I was madder and took my anger out in a bigger way. It dizzies me to think about how great it could be.
"I didn't know you had that in you," he says softer, smiling at me.
I stare blankly at him before a small smile cracks on my face as well.
He steps closer to me hesitantly at first, but then with nothing but confidence.
Ending his praise of me, he bends down and presses his lips on mine.
✶
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Alright guys. I'm so sorry that it took so long I have had one crazy week of travel and homework and scholarship essays but now it's settling down so I can write more!
I loved the feedback you all gave me and I'll try to keep it all in consideration as I keep writing!
Next question:
A) Smut
B) No smut
>:) let's see where this one goes
Please remember to vote and comment!
xx
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Break (A Kylo Ren Fanfic)
Fanfiction"You will give into me," his masked figure says in its electronic tone. The increasing pressure I feel in my skull is a direct result of the power he is wielding with his hand. I grit my teeth, unable to move my jaw enough to speak. The glare in my...
