Fandomonium

His Fear

Week 16, Day 4:

The boys fell asleep in our room last night and we didn't realize it until we all woke up this morning. They throw on some t-shirts that they left in our room a few weeks ago and we walk out the door as nonchalantly as possible. Amy, Hunter, and I walk to the Writing House and Jakob walks to his first class while Phoenix sleeps in my dorm.

Mr. Lewis is standing at the front of the room at a podium when we enter the Writing House. He ushers us inside and we sit down with the rest of the writing kids. There are some people here that I haven't even met yet. Mr. Lewis claps his hand and everyone goes silent. "Today we have an open mic! If anybody would like to read something, please speak up." Nobody raises their hand. I look at Hunter and at the podium, the back to Hunter and back at the podium.

"Mr. Lewis, Hunter over here would like to go!" I point to him.

"What? No!" Hunter shrinks into his seat and hisses at me. "I have nothing to read anyway." I snatch his folder at him and hand him a piece called Insanity.

"Read this," I push him up to the podium and Mr. Lewis gives him an approving smile.

"So, I wrote this piece called, uh, Insanity and it's, uh, about my fear of insanity." He stammers and I can see that he's nervous. Maybe it was a bad idea to push him... 

"Fears. What the hell is a fear anyway? Is it something that makes your heart beat a mile a minute or something that makes your head pound or something totally indescribable. Honestly, it depends on the person that the fear happens to inhabit.

Agateophobia. It's the fear of going insane. That's my fear and I know, I know, it's odd, really. But think about it, your mind is a major part of who you are and if you somehow lose your mind, you've lost yourself and all sense of normality.

If you want to know what this fear may be like, the best way I can describe it is: go look in a mirror but look as closely as you can. Then touch your nose to your distorted reflection and look yourself deep in the eyes and just say your name. Then proceed to say, "this isn't me" or "none of this is real". If that doesn't screw with your mind then you're probably an invincible god visiting from Mount Olympus and I have no idea what you're doing here.

Insanity is losing everything about yourself and that thought to me is beautifully terrifying. To make matters worse, this fear doesn't happen or go away immediately like jumping off a cliff, in fact, insanity lasts quite a long time and the fear lasts even longer than that.

It's the fear of being hopelessly lost in yourself with no one to save you. Your mind is your enemy and you're trapped inside this cage of thoughts that surround you like hawks. The fear of the voices screaming inside your head.

I've never truly gotten over this fear as same with most fears however I've found ways to cope with it.

The way I look at it is everyone is slightly insane in their own way and it's just a matter of trying to embrace it.

Fear is just overthinking. You let your thoughts float away for a while and suddenly the fear isn't as prominent.

Fears in general. The only way to get over them is to embrace them and live with them. They're what make us human. That's right, embrace your fears. (Don't take my advice here, please) If you're afraid of heights, go jump off a cliff, that has to get rid of your fear for good.

Agateophobia. It's the fear of insanity. But are any of us actually sane?"

He pauses and nobody talks. It's like the last poem he shared, we were all silent out of amazement and fear. He's so good that we can visualize what he's saying to the point where no horror movie could live up to his standards. I'm the first to start clapping and eventually everyone joins in.