I'm Straight I Swear!? (BoyxBoy)

17- Pray the gay away

 My father sat across from me in his favorite armchair with a glass of gin and tonic held firmly in his hand. His knuckles were blanched white from holding it so tightly in an effort to restrain his anger. I had never seen him lose his temper, he was a picture of poise and elegance, radiating calm and composed like heat from his hand tailored Armani suit.             

When he first arrived home he gave me a hug, his eyes watery with relief. "The prodigal son has returned" he muttered reverently. But then the questions came and my mother gently pulled him into the kitchen to discuss what had become known as my sickness. They pretended that I couldn't hear while their voices grew more and more anxious increasing in volume as my mom relayed my conversation with her that morning.        

Now my mother was on the phone talking to some member of her father's congregation who apparently knew someone who could 'cure' me, while my father and I waited in the living room locked in a game of chicken. I wanted to look away, because the more I looked the easier it became to see his disappointment, his disgust, and his fear...he was afraid of me, afraid that I wasn't just experience some Stockholm syndrome type symptom with my homosexual kidnapper. That's honestly what my mom thought this all was, that whoever had taken me had strapped me down to a bed and made me watch gay porn for the last few days brainwashing me until I begged for some cute little twink to come and suck my cock. Of course, she didn't phrase it quite like that, although I wasn't exaggerating about the gay porn bit. But, my father was the first to drop his gaze as he took another sip of his drink. I wondered if the alcohol made the truth any easier to swallow, because now that I had said it, I couldn't seem to stop saying it. I was gay, I could hate myself forever for it, go to all the special programs and church approved camps until I died and it wouldn't make a fucking bit of difference. I would never forget the taste of Mason's lips, or stop craving his touch. I would never long for a girl to hold my hand or lie naked beside me like I would a strong man.        

It took me a long time to admit that...and I had to murder Matthew to do it. We only hate what is part of ourselves, the unknown and unfamiliar can scare us into violence, but only hatred for what we know to be true can drive us into cruelty. I was cruel to Matthew, I didn't just kill him, I beat him to death with nothing more than a few kicks and my fists.  I had taunted him for weeks prior to the incident, and even through all that torment he had the audacity to pity me.      

 He could tell what I was, and I despised him for putting that doubt into my mind, because here is what I refused to admit to anyone, the one secret that I had kept because to reveal it would almost certainly get me beaten up. If I told people about how I couldn't look away from the boys in the locker room after they had showered, how I used to imagine them naked while I slept, how when it came time to find a date for the school dance the first name that popped into my mind was not the captain of the cheer-leading squad but of the football team, they would easily have beaten me, every day until what I did to Matthew seemed merciful compared to their actions.      

 A small click could be heard from the other room as my mother hung up the phone. I guess none of that other stuff really mattered now, whatever I was, my parents knew, even if they claimed that it wasn't my fault, in their hearts they would always know that even if I came back 'cured' that I wouldn't be, not really.    

  "Good news, I talked to Steven, and he says that they can have someone come over as early as Tuesday" she was smiling as she made the announcement, seemingly pleased.      

 "I don't want some stranger coming into our home with a van parked in our driveway with some kind of advertisement or slogan, the whole neighborhood will be discussing us...and you know what they will say" my dad warned.