I'm Straight I Swear!? (BoyxBoy)

15- The Memory Keeper

“I love you Matthew” I whispered as my fingers lazily stroked his hair, and even though he was supposed to be sleeping, and therefore unable to hear those three little words, he smiled. And that smile sent a billion butterflies fluttering around my heart, their wings creating a rapid beating in my chest that was impossible to silence. Because I did love him, I loved him with all of my heart, and seeing him smile at those words, let me know that he felt the same, that I could hold on as tight as I wanted to knowing that he would never let go.

                “I love you too, Mason” he whispered, as my eyes drifted close, and I couldn’t help but feel as if I were falling into a dream, as if the moment I would wake up this would all disappear into a veil of thinly cast smoke. He was my life, after only six months of dating he had possessed me entirely, so that when he called me his, the statement was in fact true. I was his, completely, he owned me from the very moment he looked my way, green eyes sparkling in the sun’s rays. But that too, felt like a simple dream, and so as my eyes closed shut, I began to brace myself for the day in which I would have to wake up.

The alarm clock beside my head went off, startling me out of sleep, and like every morning I glanced to my left half expecting Matthew to be right there lying beside me. But he wasn’t, and in his place was the very guy who had murdered him a few months earlier. Colin, a guy whose name was able to make my heart both constrict and beat a little faster. But this morning, his presence did neither of those things; instead it merely emptied whatever had been inside of me to make me feel whole. I felt in some ways, like a hollow shell, and all I wanted was for Matthew to be the one lying beside me, instead of him. But as of last night, he was my boyfriend, and with that came the privilege of breakfast in bed and a good morning kiss. But looking at his face, at how peaceful it was, I just couldn’t bring myself to do either of those two things, in fact, I kind of regretted asking him out in the first place. It was done on pure impulse, and mostly because as I looked at Colin crying, I realized that I did in fact care about him, and seeing him hurt...well it hurt me too. Which at this exact moment, sickened me, it was just wrong to have Matthew’s face inside of my head, and the face of his killer’s on the pillow beside me, not knowing which of the two was currently in my heart only complicated the matter.

Sigh.

Sometimes I wish life could be fair, just for one goddamn time, but if it was then I never would have met Colin...if it was...I might not have met Matthew either. So, I guess in the end I wouldn’t really change a thing, after all this is the way it is, and maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. Who knows right? It just sucks is all...sucks caring about two people, knowing that you really only have room for one.

“Hey...what time is it?” asked a still groggy Colin, interrupting my pity party. I glanced at my alarm.

“9:30”

“What happened last night?” he asked, which surprised me until I remembered how drunk he had gotten last night in between the moment when he said I love you, and I asked him out.

“Nothing really, you were drunk, I asked you out, you said yes, we danced a bit then I carried you back here where you subsequently passed out” I supplied.

“So...we slept in the same bed together...and didn’t have sex?” he asked hesitantly, and I almost had to smile at how adorable he looked with his brow crinkled in worry.

“That is correct”

“Huh” he said, rolling to face the ceiling. He looked so innocent at that moment that it was hard to imagine him beating someone to death, much less my Matthew. “Do you...do you regret it?” he asked suddenly, surprising me.

“Regret what?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he was referring to.

“Asking me out” Boom, right on the money...the problem was I didn’t have an answer.