The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 5

I lay back on my bed, sighing. It's dark in my room. I like it that way. The sun's still up, but I've blocked my window with heavy red curtains, so that any light that makes it through has a red tinge. I wish it didn't, because it's reminding me of Cat's hair. I always did like her hair though, I thought it was odd that someone like Cat, someone who relies on other people's opinions so much would do something so drastic. But, as I may have said before, Cat's not so normal. But enough about Cat. I'm so sick of Cat.

I turn on my side, curling my hand in my hair. I miss Beck, I really do. Our relationship wasn't perfect, I know, but I love him. I was stupid to break up with him. But it's what I do, I get jealous and I overreact. It hurts me that Beck just accepted it, just gave me a hurt look and agreed. Said that maybe it was for the best. I felt the tears start to come, finally, and I put a fist to my mouth, stifling my sobs. I hate how pathetic this makes me feel, how weak, how stupid I am.

I knew he liked Tori. It'd take a blind, deaf and dumb person not to see the chemistry they had. And what, breaking up with him was going to help? Idiot!

I wiped my eyes, my fingers coming away coated in black. Stupid eyeliner. I wiped my hand on my pants. They were black anyway. I lay there for a while, wallowing in my misery. It almost felt good to feel this bad. Eventually my tears ran out, and I rolled onto my back, feeling hollow. It was dark now, the sun had gone down, and my room was getting cold. My parents were out to dinner... it was their 'date' night. Frankly, I didn't care what they did... I preferred them gone anyway. My mom'd say something about me moping around the house, and how if I just put on a nice dress I'd feel much better. She didn't quite understand my 'look'. She thought it was a phase I was going through. It was me. And they'd mention Beck. They like Beck. They think he's a good influence or something.

I guess what I miss most about Beck is just being with him, just hanging out. We went well together. He was the only person I could really relax around, really feel safe with. And I'd let him go, straight into another girl's arms. Stupid!

I try to remember Beck's hands, strong and a little rough, but he'd touch me so gently, like I was special. And he'd kiss me, these long, slow kisses while his hands roamed over me, stroking lightly. I let my hands follow these same paths, touching my skin, unbuttoning my pants. I shiver as my fingertips brush over my panties, keeping the image of Beck in my mind, trying to pretend it's his hand, his fingers that are touching me. And I remember the times we had sex, how he'd waited until I was ready, and never pushed me about it, and when we did finally do it, he was so gentle, making sure I was okay. And I liked the way he'd hold me afterwards, not letting me go.

I pushed my fingers inside myself forcefully, a sob caught in my throat. The last time Beck and I had sex was more than a week ago, and I'd gotten angry with him after, just because he said something about us hanging out with Tori and the rest. I accused him of just wanting to be with Tori, and he'd given me a look that said he was sick of it. Sick of my jealousy. But I didn't realise it then.

And the image of him is fading from my mind, becoming more out of focus the harder I move my fingers, the more I try to feel him, try to remember his touch. It makes me sob, make me try even harder to get any pleasure from it. I picture his lips, his pale pink lips, pressing against mine, but the memory's fading, even as I try to chase after it. And another image pops into my head, completely unbidden. Full pink lips, curved in a smile as they kiss me. Red velvet hair brushing me, forming a scarlet curtain around her face. The taste of candy. I feel a burst of pleasure, and stop, shocked, my fingers freezing. Cat? I was thinking of Cat? I pull my hand out of my pants, trying to ignore my racing heart.

Why couldn't I remember what Beck's lips felt like? I've kissed them like a million times. Why can I only think of Cat's lips, Cat's body, pressed up against me? I shake my head. There's a rational explanation for this. I stand, buttoning my pants and leaving my room, heading for the bathroom. I wash my hands, splashing some cold water on my face, washing away the dark streaks of eyeliner that have dribbled down my cheeks. It's because I kissed Cat last. That must be it. I'm remembering it because it happened last, so it's easiest to remember. That's it. And I'll admit, it was nice. Really nice. But that's not what Cat's for, she's a tool, a tool for me to use to get Beck back, and nothing more.

I walk to the kitchen... what, you think I can keep going after that? I might like kissing Cat, but I'm not about to think of her while I'm touching myself. I only wanted to feel Beck anyway. I hear a meow and turn to glare at my cat. "Oh no you don't." I point an accusing finger at her and she starts purring. Damn it. Stupid cats. Of both varieties. I paw through the fridge, looking for something to eat. I'm not really hungry, but I know I have to eat. I pull out some leftover Chinese, sniffing it to make sure it's alright.

While I eat, I check the Slap on my phone, just out of boredom. Ugh. Everyone's posts are so boring. Tori's gushing about some audition she's going for. She's so falsely insecure, all 'I'm so nervous... but I'm totally gonna nail it!'. I guess Andre's going for the same play, something about his 'jazz fingers' being ready. They're all so excitable. I don't bother reading Trina's. I already know it's about her. Robbie's having some flame war with Rex over Galaxy Wars. I have to agree with puppet on this - Robbie is a huge dork. I read Beck's intently, putting down the Chinese to see it better.

-Something's going on, and I'm going to find out what.

Mood: Suspicious

I was pretty sure it was about me. And Cat. It's pretty vague though. Could be about Tori cheating on him for all I know. I grin, it'd serve him right. Not that I want Beck to get hurt... but if it brings him back to me, well... I'm fine with a little pain and anguish. It'd teach him not to run off again. Make him see that I'm the only one who understands him. I'm about to log off when an update from Cat pops up.

-Ate too much candy today, now my tummy's achy.

Also, blue + red = purple.

Mood: Jubilant

Now that's definitely about me. I fight the little smile off my face, scowling and shovelling a mouthful of Chinese into my mouth, chewing furiously. I do not need this.

A/n~
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