The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 11

~~Contains light smut! I warned you!~~

"Look... I know you're just using me to make Beck jealous." My eyes widened in shock, and I opened my mouth automatically in protest. Cat put a finger to my lips. "No, it's okay. I get it. I- I didn't really think you liked me." She smiled softly, her eyes downcast. I'm stunned, and I can't just admit it, even though we both know it's true.

"Cat..." My tongue feels thick and I stroke her bare shoulder, because I can't seem to lie to her. And I think, when did that happen?

"It's... it's okay Jade. You can use me." Cat covers my hand with her own, stilling it.

I regret ever doing this. I hate myself for a lot of things, but this is the biggest of them.

I was wrong. I shouldn't have dragged her into this. I knew she was sensitive, and easily-manipulated, but I just thought she was stupid. No. I didn't think she was stupid. I just- I didn't think she was this fucked up. I never really thought about why she acts the way she does. "Cat... It's not okay. You shouldn't... It's not okay." I try to get her to look at me, and I wish it hadn't worked, because her face is making my stomach churn. She gives a little, self-deprecating shrug.

"What else am I good for? If you can use me to be happy, you should do it." Fuck. I'm a fucking idiot. There aren't words to aptly describe my stupidity. I should know better than anyone that things never go the way you want. I counted on Cat being weak, on her being a girl like Tori, a bubbly airhead... not this self-loathing thing I can crush so easily. And I don't want to crush her, I realise. She's... she's good, and sweet, and kind, and it's not because she's naive and childish. She sees the same world that I do... the one that's full of cheats and liars and idiots, but she hasn't let it make her bitter, even though it keeps fucking her over again and again. Because she's good. And I feel like a moron for never realising that. She's so broken, and all I want to do is fix her... but so far all I've done is shatter her further. I just want to fix her. I just... I just want her.

I kiss her impulsively, because I'm not good at using my words to heal, only to wound. Cat freezes in surprise before relaxing into the kiss, her arms moving to wrap around me. And it's like I'm kissing her for the first time, and my mind just stops. There's no Beck, no ulterior motive... just her. I'm kissing her because I want to kiss Cat, and I let myself.

Cat makes a small sound, pulling back breathlessly. "You don't have to do this to make me feel better. You should be with Beck."

I stare at her, my mind whirling, pieces clicking into place. "I want to. I'm doing this..." I stroke her face with a finger and she shivers. "Because..." I swallow hard as I let myself realise this. "I'm doing this because I want you." And it's true. I want her. I shouldn't... but I do. It's like a giant weight from my shoulders to just admit it, to just be able to say it, and it doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. I kiss her again, because I can't stop myself, can't control myself. I want to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. And I let myself realise that this is why it felt wrong with Beck. Nothing had changed when we kissed, it was just now I had Cat's kiss to compare it with, and it fell woefully short. She lights this fire in me with her vulnerability, and I want to ravage her and protect her at the same time. I can't get enough of her, her taste is teasing me, and I flick my tongue into her mouth, touching it to hers and she gasps, her hands tightening on me. Every time I kiss her there's this twist inside me, like a hand clenching itself deep inside. And what I felt before, what I felt growing the more I kissed her is overwhelming now, it's gradually tearing free of the tethers I bound it with. Excuses that mean nothing now. I find myself leaning against her, pushing her down, and our lips part for a moment, Cat's breath feathering my lips before I capture her in another kiss, moving on top of her. And this fire in me is so fucking intense, it's consuming me, and I realise just how much I was holding back, and I'm rubbing against her subconsciously, trying to get some friction. Before I know it my hand's moving to her thigh, sliding over the creamy skin, pushing her skirt up. She gasps as my fingers trail down the back of her thigh, my nails scratching lightly.

I shouldn't be doing this. I should be with Beck. I shouldn't be moving this fast. I shouldn't- this shouldn't be happening. Cat moans and I shudder, moving my lips to her neck and kissing the soft skin, feeling her pulse throb against my lips. "J-Jade?" Cat says breathlessly, but I don't answer, moving my hand to where it really wants to go - in between her legs. "Oh," She bucks up against me as I rub over her panties, the material quickly dampening. I can feel her trembling and it's teasing me so goddamn much. I want to feel her and I know I shouldn't. There are so many reasons. It's not the time, or the place, it's too soon... and Beck...

I pull myself off her with difficulty, stilling my hand. "Tell me to stop. Please..." I pant, because it's just not in me to stop myself. I feel that hot arousal throbbing through me, telling me to fuck her, and it's overwhelming, this pent up need. And just this... snapshot my eyes are taking of Cat, with her face flushed, her pupils huge and dark and burning me, her ruby hair spilled out, mixing with the darkness. My eyes trace down her form, her small, lithe body, skirt pushed up and revealing her tan thighs, what light there is catching them. And I'm so aware of her body, everywhere it's touching mine, my desire is setting my nerves on fire, and my mind's telling me no, but my body's groaning yes. I flex my hand against her core, the material of her panties bunching. Cat moans again, and I feel another thread of control rip free. "Tell me to stop." I say through gritted teeth, and I'm pleading with her. If I do this, I can't undo it, and I don't know what's going to happen after. I don't do things like this... I've never... never felt this way, even with Beck. With Beck, sex was an afterthought... a result of our relationship... I never wanted it this much, never felt this... urge.

Cat looks at me helplessly, her eyes wide. "I- I can't." Her voice is soft, and it rips into me. Everything she does just teases me more. "P-please don't stop."

A/n~
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