The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 16

Cat's looking down at her hands, clasped in her lap, and I reach over, taking one and entwining my fingers with hers. She takes a deep breath, her eyes closed.

"I... I was thirteen," She begins, and her voice is so quiet, so soft, I lean in to hear it, and her voice is like soft silk, rustling into my ears, and I can't help but remember that tears ruin silk, that it's so easy to stain it, destroy it. "My parents... they..." She gestures around her room, a broken smile on her lips. "I was their little girl." She sniffs. "I was spoiled rotten. I got everything I wanted. They even got me a pony. I can't even ride a pony. They didn't treat my brother that way." My eyebrows furrow. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten she even had a brother, but then, I'd never really wanted to know much about her life until now.

"They wanted a girl. That's what they always wanted. They... they always told me I was special. But... but when I was thirteen I... he was my brother's friend. I kinda had a crush on him. He always sort of made fun of me, but y'know, in a nice way. Almost like you. My brother used to tease me about it. I guess... I guess he told him, 'cause he asked me out one day."

Cat gets a faraway look in her eyes, a wistful smile on her face, and I hold onto her hand tighter. I've seen her drift away before, but this time I'll be her anchor.

"He was so nice. The first time he... the first time he kissed me..."

She shakes her head.

"My brother didn't know. No one knew. He said it was a secret, that if I told anyone it wouldn't be special anymore. That it would mean I didn't love him. But I did, I did love him. When... when everyone at school would make fun of me... I could just think of him, and know that I was gonna see him again, and he'd make everything better. H-he said he loved me. No one... no one's ever said that to me before, besides my parents, and they don't count. He used to kiss me, and touch me, and it made me feel funny. And not a good kind of funny. He'd just say that if I loved him, I'd let him, that it was what grown ups did. And then one day he... he put his hand i-into my underwear and- and it hurt. I told him it hurt but he said it'd feel good, that it was supposed to hurt at first. But it always hurt. I-it never felt good."

I can see the hurt in her, the confusion as she relives what she's tried so hard to suppress, and it starts to make sense. I start to understand, and it makes me sick. Her face, her heartbreak... it's twisting my heart to pieces, and I want her to stop, but I need to know.

"He told me to touch him as well, so I did. I-I wanted to make him feel good, to show that I did love him. I thought it was cute how he seemed so insecure. He always said I didn't love him. I remember... that day you said... that day you teased me. It... it hurt Jade. It hurt me so much."

My heart lunges as she looks at me, tears shimmering in her eyes, her voice quavering. There's nothing I can say. She knows I'm sorry, but it doesn't change the past, doesn't take away the hurt of that moment. I know, I saw her when I said it. It doesn't make a difference that I didn't know any better. I still hurt her, and being sorry now doesn't make everything better. You can't change the past.

"I thought... you were always kind of nice to me. You helped me do math one time, and I thought... I thought you were my friend."

Cat puts a hand to her chest, as if she's trying to hold this hurt in, but I can see it spilling out between her fingers.

"I- I said I'd prove I loved him, that I'd show him how much he meant to me. I didn't wanna lose him. He-he was all I had, after... after you..."

I swallow hard. It was such a small thing. Such a tiny thing. One sentence, spoken to her face, just to make some other kids laugh, to stop them saying that I was that 'freaks' friend. It's such a tiny thing, but it snowballs. It all counts.