The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 37

"Tori, this is stupid. How does this prove anything?"

She hands me the megaphone, pursing her lips, flattening them out into a thin line, her head tilting at me like some stupid dog trying to understand something. "Because I want to see what they see."

And now I'm the one tilting my head, because the girl can't seem to finish her sentences. "What's that supposed to mean?" I feel a twinge in me as the words leave my mouth, hand brushing over my pocket to feel the cylinder of lipgloss. That's Cat's catchphrase, not mine. I guess I just got used to hearing it twenty times a day.

Tori realises it too, sad smile flickering at her lips as my eyes tug down, focussed on her converse. "They love you. They both love you, Cat... Beck... and I don't get it. They're so good, and you're so..."

"Bad." I finish for her, fingers twisting on the megaphone, touching over the ON switch. It's almost lunchtime... or showtime rather. Say what I will about Tori, the girl's got a good sense of theatricality.

I can feel her studying me, coffee-hued eyes crawling like ants, making my skin itch. I'm tired of people looking at me like this, like they're trying to slip under a chink in my armour, to get to the soft flesh underneath. I preferred it when they thought I was an empty suit of armour, hollow inside. At least no one pried then, no one dug at the nooks with a knife and waited to see if it would bleed. To see if they'd hit my heart. Cat made me real, she filled out the armour and made light shine out the seams, and now it's blasted wide open, as much as I try to wire it closed again.

The bell chimes, my hand twitching on the grip of the megaphone. "If I do this, you'll let me see Cat?"

Tori nods, her face serious, hands picking at the strap of her bag. "I promise."

I give her a weary smile, trying to reignite the cocky Jade, the Jade who didn't give a fuck. But it's as hollow as I used to be. "Try not to fall in love with me too, Vega."

I turn away from her, switching the megaphone on as kids pour out into the halls. Give me something real. Give her a fucking show, is what she meant. Strip away my snailshell and turn me into a slug. Say what's real. And what's real? She doesn't want real, she wants dirt. She wants to know about weak little Jade, and what she doesn't realise is that by agreeing to this, she's already got it. The old Jade wouldn't capitulate to this bullshit, the old Jade would've been able to force Tori into letting me see Cat, the same way I've forced Tori into doing other stuff. The old Jade would never have done anything Tori wanted, would never have jumped through hoops... would never have tried to see Cat. Would never have cared. But I'm tired, I'm so tired, because Cat is everywhere I go, and nowhere at the same time. Everything reminds me of her, and reminds me of what I've done to her... and what she's done to me.

The megaphone crackles as I switch it on, pressing down on the button and holding it to my lips. I see kids stop talking, turning from their friends to stare. "I'm not real." I hear Tori shift behind me, moving just into sight at the corner of my eye. "So you wanna know what's real about Jade West?" I steel myself, taking a deep breath, hand ghosting over the pocket of my pants again. I can kill Tori later, but right now, I need her. "When I was five, I used to play with Barbies. Play, not mutilate. When I was six, I melted them. I cried when I watched The Sixth Sense. For a while, I thought I was dead because of that. Beauty and the Beast is..." I lick my lips, glancing to the side at Tori, her arms uncrossing, dark eyebrows furrowed. "Is one of my favourite movies. When I was little, I made a mistake. I hurt someone I shouldn't have hurt, someone who was my friend, and I hurt myself too." Kids are laughing and chattering, shoving each other and throwing glances at me, grins on their faces. They don't give a fuck, this is just some show they'll forget about tomorrow. Just another piece of performance art. It's Tori I'm shouting this at, it's Tori who's listening intently, trying to figure out if this is just a show, just an act. Trying to see the real Jade, who her friends just can't help but inexplicably fall in love with. "When I was fifteen, I got this star tattoo." I turn my arm over, star standing out on the pale skin. "My dad said I'd never be a star, so I proved him wrong. " I let go of the button, megaphone crackling into silence. I turn to Tori, shrugging, voice soft. "And I'm a monster." I thrust the megaphone back into her hands, crossing my arms, rebuilding what I can of my shell, soldering closed what chinks I can. "Is that enough? Are you happy, Vega?"