The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 13

I pull up outside Beck's house, his RV in the driveway, and just sit there for a few minutes. What am I doing? I should be back there with Cat... I never should've left her. I just... I don't know what to do. I... I definitely have feelings for her, and it scares me a little. I... it's not what I planned. Maybe I could deal with, maybe I could go with it, but for Cat. She's given me a way out, even after all I've done to her... she's given me a chance to say it was mistake, a chance to run away back to Beck. Because she thinks that's what I want. What does she want? In all this, I've never... never asked her, and she's never said anything. But... before, when I came so close to... to fucking her, I thought... I knew she wanted it too. If she could just... I don't know what's wrong with her. It scares me. And although it makes me feel like scum, which is nothing new really... I'm not sure if I can deal with that. I'm not sure if I want to. I- I'm scared, and I don't like it.

I get out the car wearily, and I can still smell her perfume on me everytime I move. It's not that I'm running to Beck because I can't deal... well, it is, but I'm not here to get back with him, at least, I'm not planning to. But my plans never seem to work, my current situation being a perfect example of that. I just... I need to talk to someone. I can't do this on my own anymore, I can't figure it out by myself. Beck's the only... he's the only person I've ever trusted, and he's the last person I should be talking to Cat about, but I don't know what else to do. It's my own fault really, for keeping people so far away from me, isolating myself, but I'll chastise myself for that later. Cat isn't a problem I can shove to the back of my mind and forget about, even if that's what she wants. Or thinks I want. I don't know.

There's a chill in the air, and the last light is starting to fade. It feels appropriate, but I'm not sure how it got so late. It makes sense I guess... Sikowitz's class was the last of the day, and it'd been close to ending when I'd cornered Robbie, but it still feels unreal. It feels like my emotions are spilling out into the sky, staining it orange, pink, dark clouds scudding across like knitted eyebrows. Dramatic, I guess, but I'm an actress, what'd you expect?

I rap on Beck's door, regretting it already. I can hear the sounds of his television filtering through the metal walls. That's one thing I never liked about the RV - you can hear everything from outside. He doesn't take long to answer; and predictably, he doesn't look surprised. Beck's always played it cool. It's infuriating.

He leans against the doorway, looking down at me. "Hey Jade. What brings you here?"

I sigh and shoulder my way past him, moving to sit on his bed. "I have to talk to you." I can feel my heart racing, because this was a bad idea from the very start. Beck's sitting beside me, and I'm hoping he'll just let me get it out, because I'm so close to running, to wrapping this problem in chains and keeping it inside. I take a deep breath and look at him, and then Beck's leaning over, his palm smooth against my cheek, and his lips cool against mine. It seems a mockery that I can still taste Cat's lip gloss, even while Beck's mild, minty taste envelops me, and I find myself unreasonably sad that I'm losing Cat's taste. I can't help but think of her while I kiss Beck. I can't help but think of her in general, can't help but compare Cat's kiss to Beck's. It doesn't excite me like it used to, doesn't do anything to me but make me think of Cat, and how I'd like to be kissing her. And even though it's stupid, I shut my eyes tight and kiss Beck with all the enthusiasm I can muster, because it'd be so much easier if I could just love him again, could just forget about Cat. But I just can't feel it anymore. Whatever I had with Beck is gone, and I realise it'd been slipping for a while. I'd been pecking at him more and more, pushing him further and further away because something was wrong and I couldn't deal with it. I was falling out of love with him, and I was in vehement denial. Until now. I can't pretend anymore, because I have these feelings for Cat, and I can't pretend Beck makes me feel anything like that anymore.