The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 27

I'm awake before Cat is, sunlight filtering into the room and staining her smooth skin, dappling it. I don't move except to tilt my head so I can see her better. She's curled along me, my arm around her, her face nestled into me. She sleeps like a child, so soundly, so deeply. Her fingers twitch on my stomach, her face crinkling. She sleeps like a child, but I bet she has nightmares like one too. The thing about children is; they're so helpless. I don't want to wake her up, I don't want to disturb her. I'm... content, and I haven't felt this way in so long. Like everything is perfect, like everything is shining. If I don't move, nothing has to change, nothing can happen, and I can just stay here like this, happy.

Cat makes a soft sound, snuggling into me harder, her breath exhaling against my skin. She's waking up. Sex changes everything. It does, no matter how much you pretend it doesn't. You've stripped yourself raw in front of this person, you've given them your body and let them do what they want with it. And maybe some people can do that easily, maybe to some people it doesn't matter, but it does to me. It does to Cat. I'm scared... sex changes everything. I've told her I love her, she's told me she... she loves me. It was easier then, in that flush of emotion, in that closeness. In the intimate darkness. It's so much harder in the light.

Cat makes a soft squeak, stretching, her skin sliding against mine. Her eyes open, face turning up to look at me. She smiles. "Hi."

I feel my lips turn up in response to Cat's radiant smile. My heart's starting to race, and it hurts. I'm so vulnerable, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm about to get hit at any moment. I've done too many bad things to be able to be this happy for long. The universe won't allow it... but the universe can get fucked. No matter how hard it makes it, I'm not giving Cat up. "Hi."

Cat takes a deep breath, stretching her limbs out and leaning up, capturing me in a soft kiss. It's sweet, slow... short. It's strangely satisfying, and it wakes me up a surprising amount, like a jolt of caffeine. Cat pulls away, snuggling back into me, her fingers tracing over my stomach in lazy circles. "You're still here." She murmurs softly, that smile still on her face.

My stomach flip flops under Cat's fingers. I can't believe that she really thought I wouldn't be here, no... I don't think she thought that. I think she's just comforted, that she's relieved to find that I am still here, because she expected me to be. It was just that little distrustful part of her that suggested I wouldn't be. I have that part too. It's telling me that this is dangerous, that I'm being too vulnerable, that I should go. It's insistent, but I'm quashing it. I don't want it ruining this, making me doubt myself, making me distance myself from her. I let it do that before, for so long. I want to be this close to her, so close I can't stand it. I let out a long, deep breath, hugging her to me. "I'm still here."

A soft grin splits Cat's face, and she looks up at me again, her eyes sparkling. "Should we put some clothes on?"

I let my eyes run over her bare body appreciatively. "Not just yet."

Cat rolls over onto her stomach to hit me lightly on the shoulder, grinning. "Jade!"

I move my hands to her slim waist, fingernails skimming over the warm skin. I like holding her, feeling where her hips curve. It feels solid, it feels real.

It's hard for me to fall in love. I've only ever loved Beck, and that took a long time. It took a long time for me to trust him. Every step of the way my instincts tell me to run, to hide, that it's a trap, and I'll only get hurt if I let myself feel that way. It took so long with Beck, and I hid my feelings behind jealousy, behind anger. I don't want to do that with Cat. I've let myself fall headlong, and I want to scramble back, to take a breath, but I'm not going to let myself. I want to be scared, I'm tired of doing what's safe. I want to know that my heart is hers, that she can do with it what she will. I want to stop saving it, stop holding it back for something that isn't real. I love her, and nothing will be more perfect than this.