The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 15

She's warm, and small, and so soft. She's more like a cat than she knows. I don't know how long I've been laying here with her, but holding her... it feels so right. It makes me feel like the strong one, and I feel like I'm helping her, even though I'm pretty sure I'm not. I'm pretty sure I'm just making things even worse, but I don't want to leave her. Not again.

I'm weak. I know I am. I'm quick to anger, quick to jealousy, quick to lash out, especially at people I care about. But Cat's different. She's... she seems so open, even though I know she has all these secrets, and she's defenceless. She never fights back. I remember when we were learning stage fighting, and she did that demonstration with Russ. She was so grateful that he didn't hurt her, it's like she thought she deserved to be hit. She's so fragile, and she's gotten closer to me than I thought she had. She crept in under all my defences, just by being weaker than me, by thinking even less of herself than I did, and I never realised until now just how much I worried about her. She's like a child; she just can't protect herself. She's never built up that layer of resistance to the world, never gotten that thick skin. She feels everything.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Her voice is muffled, her face buried in my shoulder, and I'm surprised, because I thought for sure she'd fallen asleep.

"Hey, it's okay." I'm talking out of my ass here, but for once I'm using tact. It isn't okay, not by a long shot, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what's wrong, and I can't charge into it, which is what I'd usually do. I have to tiptoe, and hope that I trip over it in my sneaking.

Cat pushes herself away from me, and I let her go reluctantly, already starting to feel cold. "It's not." She says simply, in a soft voice, and I'm reminded again by how childlike she is, how uncomplicated she seems.

I sigh. "I know." I'm hesitant to broach the subject, but fuck, I'm already sick of tiptoe-ing. "Cat, before when we... wh-when you..." It's hard to say it to her face. Hell, it's hard to say at all. It's even hard to think it, let alone believe that I almost... that I came so close to fucking her. "...when you started crying." I finish lamely. "Why... why did you cry? Was... did I do something wrong?"

Cat shakes her head at me frantically, her eyes wide. "No! No, it's not you. It's just I-" She falters, looking uncomfortable, and it's like she's hit a barrier that she's afraid to cross. I can practically see the life fade from her face. It's chilling.

"Cat... what happened?" I'm trying desperately to animate her again, to get a spark from her dying eyes, and it works. She jerks like I've slapped her.

"You... y-you can't... I-" She stumbles over her words, and I see the tears well in her eyes. She's crumbling in front of me. "I don't want you to leave." She whispers, her voice shaking.

"I'm not gonna leave Cat. I... I wanna help you." It hurts me to find that I mean it. Hurts me because it means I care, and caring only leads to hurt. It's a vicious circle that's making me dizzy, but I put my hand over her own, trying to convey what my words doubtfully express. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." I'll admit, part of this is for me, for the intense curiosity she stirs in me with her behaviour. She's unlike anyone I've met, and not in a good way. I want to know why she acts the way she does, I want to know why she seems to hate herself so much. She's the kind of girl you can't imagine anything bad happening to, just because you yourself could never hurt her. She's just too innocent, too... too pure.

"Can... can I kiss you one more time?" Cat says in a soft voice, and her tone turns my breath liquid, it's so heartbreaking, and I nod soundlessly. Cat leans in, pressing her lips to me, and there's a fervour in it I can't help but reciprocate, a desperate longing that takes my breath away, and her lips are wet and salty from her tears. She lingers after, a hand pressed against my face as she rests her forehead against mine, eyes closed like she's trying to remember.