Loveless Ages

Chapter Two

I dream of Xander all the time. I like my dreams for that. When I’m asleep, at least for a little while, it is almost as though I am with him. His touch feels real. His kiss is electrifying. I can see the way his nose crinkles when he laughs. My imagination isn’t nearly as realistic as my dreams are. I’m five months pregnant now and I’ve already graduated high school. It seems as though time is speeding by and I’m helpless to stop it. Every night I look outside at the moon and wonder if he’s looking at it too, admiring it’s beauty. I take comfort in the idea that we both exist under the same moon and the same sun and sometimes looking at either of them makes me feel closer to him. I know, I should move on. I’m never going to see him again so why do I insist on torturing myself. It’s hard not to think about him though when I have a constant reminder of him every time I look in the mirror. I’m carrying his baby. Maybe I should have stayed with him.

“Are you ready for your afternoon walk?” Josh asks. I am laying on the couch in my living room and Josh standing over me.

“I don’t feel like walking,” I complain.

“Dr. Burkholder said you need to stay active,” Josh tells me.

“Yeah well screw her,” I groan. Josh crosses his arms over his chest.

“Malinda,” Josh says cautiously.

“Alright!” I sit up, “I’m coming. God.” He laughs and puts his hand out to help me up.

“I think I can get up from the couch without help from you, thank you very much,” I tell him. He looks amused.

“Must you be so difficult?” He asks. It takes much effort for me to actually pick myself up off of the couch and balance myself.

“I feel so fat,” I say to him. He rolls his eyes.

“You aren’t fat, you’re pregnant. There’s a difference,” he tells me.

“How about instead of going for a walk we go for a roll?” I ask. He smiles and shakes his head.

“Funny,” he says.

“Thanks I try,” I mumble. I walk slowly to the door and Josh opens it for me. We are at the end of our first month of summer vacation, which is perfect because I would be really annoyed if I had to go to school in this condition. I don’t know how people do it honestly.

“So I was down at the mental institution earlier right?” Josh begins tell me a story. He volunteers part time at a nearby asylum. I place a hand on my stomach and nod.

“Yes?” I say. 

“And I was talking to Ms. Patterson. Get this! She actually responded!” He sounds really excited. Ms. Patterson is a patient at the institution who spends her life in a depressing stupor. She sits down at the same seat by the window all the time and looks outside. She never speaks to anyone. All she does is look out that window as though it is the only thing she has left to do. The sad this is, she isn’t even old. She’s only twenty-seven.

“No way! What did she say?” I ask Josh.

“She said hello,” he says with a big smile on his face, “And then she turned back to window… but she said hello! That’s something!” He is in one of his excited moods.

“That’s nice,” I say quietly.

“Oh Malinda, it’s such a beautiful day out. The sun is shining bright and I feel like I should be able to fly,” he says, “You know without the glider.” I smile at him.

“Tell me how that works out for you,” I say.

“And I know you feel all fat and shit, but god, you look so beautiful from where I’m standing,” he says. I laugh.