Loveless Ages

Chapter Five

“How are you feeling?” my grandmother asks me. My grandfather is sitting beside me with Luna is his arms.

 “I’ve never been this physically exhausted,” I tell her. She smiles.

 “Well now you have her,” she says. I smile widely in response.

 “I know,” I say, “She’s so pretty I can’t even get over it.” I shift a little in my hospital bed and turn to look at her. Josh walks into the room just then with a cup of Jello.

 “I stole some Jello from the cafeteria,” he says proudly.

 “Thanks,” I say, “But I’m not very hungry.” He smirks.

 “Who said it was for you?” Josh asks. I laugh lightly and lay back in my bed. I don’t mean to but I drift asleep not long after. When I wake up Josh is beside me holding Luna. I turn to him.

 “Hi,” I say with a genuine smile spreading across my face.

 “She looks a lot like you,” Josh says quietly, “But… a lot like him too.” I sit up and look at her.

 “She does. Doesn’t she?” I ask. I gently put one of my fingers into her tiny little hand. I’ve never seen anything so adorable.

 “Yes,” Josh says. He looks at me for a moment and then back at her. I place her into the small basinet that sits beside my bed. I lay back. The bed cushion underneath me is very soft and I feel more comfortable than I have felt in a while. I plan on going home tonight so I excuse myself to the restroom to change my clothes and I ask Josh to keep an eye on Luna as I do so. I look in the mirror inside of the bathroom that is conjoined to my room and examine myself. I expect myself to look different, more mature maybe. Older. I don’t look too different though besides the lines under my eyes from exhaustion. I pull my fingers through my hair, which is extremely tangled. I tie it into a bun and splash some water in my face. I look at my body. Yesterday, I carried another person inside me. Today, I don’t. Today my child is a separate life with a separate heartbeat. What will I do now? I have to take care of her. I have to make sure she grows up right. I have to make sure she will be happy. But she will never know her father. She will be able to love in a place where it doesn’t exist as it should. Will she feel empty? Will she grow up as unhappy as I did? As my mother did? As my grandmother did? I fear that. I push all of these worrisome thoughts from my mind and walk out of the bathroom. I stand in the doorframe and look at Josh who is sitting in a seat near Luna, though he doesn’t look at her. He simply looks down at the ground seemingly deep in thought. I turn my head to the glass window on the door of the room and see someone peering in. I can’t see the person’s face and whoever it is wears a black hoodie. This strange person is peering into the room and staring at my child. Why? What do they want? I suddenly feel a severe rage coursing through my veins. Is this how it will be for the time to come? I can’t live my life with people watching me. I can’t live my life not knowing what exactly it is that they want. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like my family is safe and I need that to change. The person doesn’t seem to see me from where I am standing in the room. The person hasn’t noticed that I am watching. I take a deep breath.

 “There is someone at the door. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at the door,” I whisper to Josh. His forehead wrinkles in confusion but he doesn’t look up from the ground.

 “Who?” he asks.

 “I don’t know,” I say, “But I want you to give me your car keys when I tell you so and then I want you to take Luna home.”

 “Malinda. What are you planning on doing?” Josh asks me with concern seeping from his every word.

 “I don’t know. I have to do something though. I’m tired of not knowing.”