Hail

Nineteen

I tell myself to walk, not to run, no matter the sense of urgency and horror that is flooding through my veins. Princesses are not to run. We are not to appear afraid or hurried. We are not to appear as anything other than calm and in control of all things. Even if the world is burning around us, we do not panic, we do not spread fear or panic. A royal is always in control, even in the midst of chaos. The chaos has not come, not yet anyway and for most that fill this castle they are unaware that there would be a cause for any chaos to come. It is a blessing of the non-royals, the time of ease and happiness typically lasts longer than for those who know all the secrets.

I move along the hall, not stopping, but making sure that I take the time to smile at those I pass and even share a couple words of greeting. I have been summoned to father's library, but I know that if I arrive with whispers or rumors in my wake, he will not be pleased. It is by good fortune that the missing spies returned last evening while most of the castle was empty so the word of their return has been kept more secretive than any other information that has existed between these stone walls for quite some time.

Father has been meeting with the men since their arrival, they were rushed into his study and have yet to emerge. I sent a messenger to Valeous' room this morning and was told that he was in the same meeting. I have seen other men return from military missions and their meetings are brief before they are welcomed back to court. A day-long meeting does not end with good news. This is the first time father has ever summoned Elisa and I to his study since we were gathered to be told that our younger brother had died and our mother was dying. Just mention of the room fills me with dread.

I pause at the doors as Elisa arrives to my left. While yesterday she appeared so mature and poised, today she appears more like a frightened child as she walks toward me. I can see the fear in her eyes and I see her nerves by the way she is twisting her fingers together. It is something she only does when she is scared. I wait for her by the door, offering her a smile to try to bring her some calm even if I do not feel it.

She stops beside me, her eyes wide. I can see that she is waiting for me to say something, for me to ease her anxiety, but I cannot think of the lie to say that would help. Instead, I reach for her hand and give it a squeeze of comfort before I step to the guards that are outside the door and have them open it.

We step inside together, and I let myself hold Elisa's hand until she has crossed the threshold, then I let go, knowing that father would see it as a sign of worry and weakness, neither one that he would tolerate.

The room is small compared to many others that are made to hold crowds of people who frequently gather, it is made for a feeling of intimacy and quiet that is missing from many other rooms in the castle. Two walls are lined with shelves that are high enough to need a ladder to be able to reach the highest level, each one filled with large tomes of history and politics and philosophies. There is even a small section of stories for children that mother would read to us as children. I would sit on her lap, listening to the music of her voice as she read the words. The third wall is covered by a large map of our realm and surrounding kingdoms. I used to spend hours when I was younger, standing in front of the map with Father, listening to him teach Valeous about all of the different parts of our kingdom. This room was a place of comfort for me once, but now I can hardly bear to step foot into it and I find myself wishing for Elisa's hand back in mine to give me some strength.

It was to this room that we were bidden the night mother died. Although the doctors had told her no more children after Elisa was born, as they proclaimed it far too risky for her health, six years later mother was surprised to find that she was expecting another child. She was so happy that it was hard to remember the physician's warning, a warning that we were all reminded of when it was time for the child to be delivered. The baby, a boy, did not survive the birth and they were unable to stop mother's bleeding. The physician brought us all here, to tell us, as father was unable to say the words, our mother was dying and wished to tell us goodbye. It was only a couple of hours later that she was gone. As I walk into this room I can feel that mix of emotions rush through me, the disbelief, the pain, the heartbreak, the anger, the devastation, returns with fervor.