Hail

Thirty-three

I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the rhythmic brushing of my hair, and try to shut off all other thoughts that are circling in my mind. It is a constant thing now, this jumble of thoughts that, while their content may change, never stop filling my mind. Lila gently pulls the comb through my wet hair, letting the heat from the fire slowly dry it. An afternoon of rest and a warm bath have both helped ease the pain in my head to a manageable level without having to take one of the physician's horrible tasting teas. Nobles have come to visit me, all to express their opinions of what I should do with Navos, I'm sure, but I have refused to see any of them. I have already made my choice, and no amount of talking will change my mind. If those men are hostile, if they try to cause harm to my countrymen, then I will order it so that not a single one of them lives to tell the tale.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lila's voice breaks through my thoughts. Even sitting behind me she can tell when I am troubled. I can barely remember a time when Lila wasn't part of my life. She has been one of my closest friends since we were girls, one of the few constant companions that hasn't changed as we have aged.

"Do you feel I have changed since the throne has become mine?" Elisa's words have circled through my mind throughout the day, wearing a groove in my mind as I have pondered them. Of all of the things that have occurred over the last day it is her words that I find the most troubling. With our long history, Lila would have noticed any change in me.

There is no hesitation. "Of course you have changed. You have suffered two horrible losses and a large responsibility was passed to you. You cannot be the same carefree person you were before. Too much of your life is different for that to be possible."

"'Carefree?' is that how you would have described me?" I cannot help but laugh a bit at the term.

"Truly, you weren't carefree as much as you were pushing against the rules of your life, much to the frequent dismay of your father. I remember my father once saying that you were like 'a wild horse the castle had been unable to break.' You have always had your wish for independence and a distaste for all of the rules and expectations placed upon you."

"I have never liked feeling that others held the power to dictate my life. It always felt like I was never the one in control, even over the smallest things." I take a breath, my eyes on the fire. "That has definitely changed. I make all of the choices now. There are many who may wish to sway my mind one way or the other and there are those that I go to for council, but the decisions are still mine. There are times when I feel as if I have too much control. It is up to me now to decide if I send soldiers to fight and possibly die in my name. I decide what happens to those who act against the realm and crown. I have the power to decide who lives and who dies." The emotion builds, threatening to overwhelm me and I must take a breath in order to find calm and keep from shattering.

I feel Lila let go of my hair and she come to the chair that sits opposite me. She says nothing, just sits and waits, knowing that if I wish to tell her, I will. I find it hard to look into her eyes as I speak. "I ordered my first execution yesterday. I ordered a man be thrown in the dungeon and later his head be taken and no one questioned my word."

"Did the man deserve the punishment you gave him?" It is not an accusation or even a doubt of my choices, but contemplative.

I look back to her. "Yes. He was a threat to me and my safety."

"You cannot let those who would harm you live. If not for your sake, for the stability of the kingdom."

"I know. You are right, but there is something about it that sets uneasily with me."

There is a pause as Lila looks into my eyes. "You cared about this man. Is this the man you were keeping hidden?"

Her statement catches me off guard. I have never spoken of him to anyone. Instantly, I think of Jakob's letters. "What are you talking about?" I hear the accusation in my tone.