Hail

Twenty

"They are going to war, mother. Father may say that it is a simple battle. Valeous may say that he will be careful and safe, but they are riding into danger. They are riding towards men with swords who wish to have their heads and I cannot deny the fear that has gripped me at the thought. I know that we have been exceedingly fortunate that we have had peace for so long. I have studied enough history to know how often and easily violence can arise. I have read about those men who seek more than what they have even it if comes at the price of another's blood. They are men who are not easily satisfied, and they do not easily give up if they feel their cause is just. It will take more than words and a few brandished swords to convince them to give up their fight. I listen to Valeous and father's assurances that everything will be well. I listen to their promises that they will return home safely and I try to believe them, truly I do, but I cannot. How can they make such promises? They know that those are promises that can easily be broken by the swing of a blade. They are riding towards men who have promised their king a victory. Men who have promised their own wives and daughters that they will return well. Someone has to break their promise and I am filled with fear that it will be them. I fear that they are riding off to their death and I am powerless to stop them.

"Even if they do survive, even if victory is in their grasp, it will change them. There is no chance that it will not. Such violence always leaves behind its scars, emotional ones if not physical. Father has changed already. Without you, he has grown cold and hard. It is only in rare moments that I get a glimpse of the man he was before. I fear the battle will remove whatever kindness and caring is left in him and all that will be left is the indomitable king. I have seen some of the older men who speak of battles and wars of the past and they all appear haunted. As if the ghosts of those who died follow them about, as if they forever see the blood stained on their hands. This is what I fear for Valeous. I fear that when he returns he will not be the same man he is now. I fear that he will suffer this same haunting and it will eat away at him as I have seen it do to others, and he will become a shell of who he is now."

I take a breath and let my eyes rise to the face of the stone statue made in my mother's likeness. The small abbey is quiet as always, and mostly dark as the sun has not yet fully cleared the horizon to cast its beams through the stained glass. Sleep was an illusion last night as I found myself spending more time watching the flames in the fireplace than sleeping. The few dreams I had were a mix of the men in the woods and the fears I feel for this battle. More than once my mind melded the two so that the body I could see among the trees was that of my father or Valeous.

I rose before the dawn had broken, hoping for some measure of peace. I walked through the slight fog to the abbey, alone. Ronan was not with me, it is the first time I could remember the absence of his presence. He is young and strong and will leave with the others. He offered to stay with those who are going to remain to guard the castle, but father released him from that post and I sent him with my goodwill knowing how he wished to be with the other defending our land. Knowing he is going brings me a slight measure of peace as I know that he will do all in his power to assure father and Valeous' safety.

I look back to the cool stone, my fingers following the engraved letters of my mother's name. I feel that there is more to say, but I do not wish to say it. It feels that to say the words aloud gives them a power that they do not have as long as they stay locked inside of me. I do not wish to give my fears any more power than they already have. I feel it is time for me to go, and yet I wish to stay, as if time will not progress as long as I stay here in these shadows.

There is a knock on the large door, a knock that echoes throughout the stone walls and brings me to my feet as the door opens. I look, expecting Lila or Cora to come and tell me that it is time for the men to leave and that I must now come say goodbye. Broderick steps inside. I feel a slight sense of calm at his arrival. He pauses as his eyes adjust to his dim surroundings. He appears hesitant as he stands in the ray of sunlight that falls behind him, it is a change from the confidence I have seen from his thus far. "I do not wish to intrude, your ladies told me where I might find you." He gestures back toward the open doorway. "I can leave you alone if you wish. I can wait outside for you."