Hail

Twenty-nine

I find myself fidgeting with nerves as I wait in the garden. I allow myself to play with the signet ring on my finger to keep from pacing, but still I feel my nerves building with each passing moment. I sent the message to Broderick this morning to meet me for a walk, and while I am confident he will arrive, I can still feel the fluttering in my stomach as I wait for him. We have not had a chance to speak since before the funerals. Even though he was waiting for me when I left the abbey and we walked back to the castle together, I was too exhausted to speak. He did not push me, he did not feel the need to fill the silence with unnecessary chatter. He simply offered me his arm and led me back to my chambers. He kept all the others at bay that night, insisting that the crowd of people wishing to talk to me could all wait until the morning. I had hoped to speak with him the following morning, but the press of people would not be put off any longer and I have been offered no more time with him than a few passing conversations over the last couple of days. I have felt unsettled without him near. There are doubts and questions that have filled my mind and I cannot silence them without speaking to him. So much has changed between us in such a short time and I need to know how he feels before I lose what I have left of my heart.

I hear a noise and look to the entrance of the garden; there stands Broderick. I turn to him and my patience is rewarded by being able to watch him walk to me. I force my hands to still as he nears. He smiles and I feel the nerves slightly calm at his presence. "I'm sorry if I kept you waiting."

I smile though it feels forced. "It's okay. I was able to get away from the press of people a bit early and didn't want to risk someone insisting that they had some urgent need for my attention. It seems as if everyone at court has some reason they feel they need to speak to me. I know for many they are looking for my favor and to assess any changes that may affect their situation, but I wish for just a few more moments of peace."

He reaches my side a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Well, I am glad you were able to get away for a little while." His arms come around me and I let myself fall into his embrace, his lips easily finding mine.

I wish to lose myself to his hold, but the worry still pulls at my mind unwilling to release its grip. It makes me feel stiff and awkward in his arms. Broderick pulls away and I can tell in his eyes that he has noticed the change in me. The happiness that had filled his eyes changes. "What's bothering you?"

I open my mouth, but find the words caught on my tongue. Broderick brushes back the hair the wind has pulled across my face. His expression is concerned and sincere. "Tell me what it is, I will help in any way that I can."

I do not speak. I pull on his hand and lead him to the stone bench that sits off to the side of the path. He sits and I look into his eyes which are now filled with worry. "Reyalyn? What is it?"

"It's you." The words burst out of my mouth.

His eyes widen with surprise, and he pulls his hand from my grip as if he feels he is hurting me. "Me? What have I done to worry you so?"

"You haven't done anything." I rush to reassure him. "I just," Part of me wishes to brush the topic aside and act as though I have not spoken, the other is insistent I finish. "I wonder if this is what you want."

"What do you mean?"

"This, us, is this what you want? You came here engaged to a princess. A princess who would never be queen. You would have privilege, but you would also have privacy. We would have all we need to live comfortably and yet still be able to live our own lives without the interference of politics and manipulation. Now you are faced with marrying a queen. A queen who must put her country above all else, no matter her own desires. You would have a wife who does not just answer to you but to the entire nation. A wife who would never be fully yours as part of me would always belong to the country. I would not fault you if this was not want you wanted. I will not force you to follow a marriage contract you do not truly want. I would not fault you if you wanted to end our engagement."