A/N: slightly depressive themes
Her eyelids felt heavy as she slowly awoke to the sound of rustling sheets.
"...Morning," a whisper sounded against her ear. "It's still early. You should go back to sleep."
Quiet as it may be, his gentle voice held a somber tone; an underlying darkness that both of them were so painfully aware of. She remained silent, shifting out of his loose embrace. Her fingers grazed the wall when she rolled over, and the cold, hard surface felt so immensely different from the feeling of his arms around her. Pressing her palm against it, she touched her forehead against the icy surface and closed her eyes, letting out a breathy sigh.
She could feel him staring at her.
His gaze was piercing, and she wanted to tell him to stop staring; to stop looking if all that he was going to do was give her that same worried expression.
Say something, she could hear the words hanging in the air, even if he hadn't spoken at all.
Eventually, when he realized she wasn't planning on moving an inch or uttering a word, he lifted the covers and got out of bed.
The sound of his footsteps resounded loudly in the room. Closing her eyes, she heard him open the door.
And when the door clicked shut, all she could picture was him, wearing that same old worried expression as she lay there in silence.
~~
If sleep came to her at all, it was filled with unpleasantries, and she soon gave up on resting without him there to ward off the bad dreams.
The reflection that stared back at her when she walked into the toilet was a total wreck. Running her fingers through her hair, she tried to untangle the knots and smoothen her locks before giving up completely after a couple of minutes. The cool feeling of water against her skin was nice. And even after washing up, she didn't look much better than she did previously. Her eyes were still red and slightly puffy; a stark contrast from her pale skin.
It was laughable, really.
How many times had this happened? She nearly scoffed at the thought of how unstable she had been recently.
It was pathetic.
~~
The smell of food swirled around her the moment she stepped into the kitchen. It took a moment before he noticed her there, and he immediately slapped on a smile onto his face when he did.
"I was just about to wake you up," he said. "I made breakfast!"
Holding up two plates of her favorite breakfast dishes, he placed them on the dining table and sat down, motioning for her to do the same, and she did.
Normally, the sight of these foods would make her eyes sparkle and she would be dying to eat. But as she stared at the plate in front of her, the only thing she was dying to do was disappear.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
The vulnerability in his voice made her look up, and for the first time that morning, she her eyes finally met with his and she felt her heart sink even further into the darkness that was eating at her when she saw the pain in his eyes.
Pain that was not even his.
Pain that she had caused.
"Koushi..." When she tried to speak again, she found that no words would reach her.
She had no idea what to say to him.
She didn't want to hurt him anymore.
Instead, she shot him a feeble attempt of a smile. "I am. Thank you for the meal."
She took a bite of the food in front of her, eating without savoring the taste of his efforts. "It's really good."
There was this hesitant look on his face when he picked up his own cutlery and started eating as well. He shot her glances every now and then as they ate their meal in silence, and she didn't fail to notice this. But in the end, she kept her head down and continued eating.
"[Name]," he muttered.
When she hummed in response, he paused and just stared at her for a moment. And when he spoke again, his voice struck her with such clarity and conviction she hadn't heard in a long time.
"Look at me."
That strength in his voice dissipated the moment their gazes met and he saw the void in her eyes.
"...What can I do for you?" He whispered in a defeated tone. "I've been thinking about it for a long time now, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
"Tell me, [Name]... what do you want me to do?"
His plea was only a fraction of what he wanted to convey. There, in his eyes, were ineffable pools of emotions that he tried so hard to hide. Deep down she always knew he was struggling to stay strong; to be her anchor and the support she needed.
But just when did that start to hurt him so badly?
She looked at him - properly this time - and finally saw how much she was hurting him. Gone were the times where he would smile and laugh with that carefree attitude she loves so much. Now he would tread carefully as if on thin ice, worried about how his words and actions may affect her.
...What... did she want?
Sugawara remained seated before her, waiting as she mulled over his question. His tired visage was painful to look at. Guilt engulfed her when she thought of how much he sacrificed for her.
She was a broken soul and now she was breaking him too.
A voice inside her told her to set him free. Let him go and give him a chance to be happy again without her. Let him smile without having to worry about anything and fall in love without having to be held back.
Her resolve faltered even before it solidified.
She wanted him to be able to happy again...
... but she was too selfish to let him go.
"I don't need you to do anything," she mumbled. "Please... stay with me, Koushi... I need you...
"... Please love me like you always have..."
Her voice cracked as it faded into nothingness, and she hung her head, feeling so, so ashamed of herself. She was always asking for so much while she had nothing to offer. Taking advantage of his love and kindness when the only thing she gave him in return was a huge burden to bear.
"I love you and I'm not going to leave you, if that's what you're worried about, [Name]."
Even if he were lying, she would have let herself be deceived because a lie would still be easier to face than reality.
But his words rang with sincerity that she wouldn't have doubted in the first place.
She looked up to see a small curve on his lips despite the solemnness in his eyes, and decided that maybe it really was okay to be selfish.
"I won't ever leave you."
