50 Shades Of Steve Rogers

Chapter 8

I took a deep breath and sat down on one of the benches, while Steve kneeled down in front of me. I focused on the dark blue of his uniform, and gingerly touched the small seems running over his legs, hoping I wasn't about to mess up one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
"(Y/n)?" Steve demanded again, growing more impatient, as I berated myself for even mentioning this shit to anyone.
'Now or never, (y/n), let's get this shit over with,' I thought, as his warm hands made my skin burn with need.

"Look, I love you, more than I thought possible, and it's still hard for me to admit that you hold all of me in your hands, and I'm glad we have these different quirks that make us so different, yet so similar at the same time, but when I met you, and discovered that the whole 1940's gentleman persona wasn't just an act, I kinda freaked out a bit, you know? It was so different from what I was used too, but once I realized I was head over heels in love with you, which didn't take long, I buried something, a small inkling.. in fear you wouldn't approve, or be grossed out," I whispered, watching his eyes and face for any emotion, good or bad, but he just looked worried and curious, "that part of me's been itching to come out..ugh, okay I'm doing this wrong, I'm making myself sound like some schizophrenic bitch," I snapped, and stood up, only to begin pacing, a few feet away.
"Hey, hang on, finish what you were going to say," Steve pleaded, grabbing my hands and stopping me in front of him.
"Fine, then this is me telling you I want rough sex Steve, I've been craving rough sex, craving to do things you don't usually want to do, just because you don't want to do them. I like giving you blowjobs, I want to try crazy positions, I want you to be more demanding and domineering at certain times, and I don't want to feel like a fucking pervert when I decide to yell out cuss words or talk dirty, while we're in bed together," I spilled out quickly, while his eyebrows shot up, and he opened and closed his mouth, "and it's not that I don't love what we're already doing, I actually love being part of something that makes me feel beautiful and delicate, I really do, but there's a need for the other kind too, a need for you to take control and take things farther than we ever have, and it's become so overwhelming. I'm just scared that you wouldn't approve of something like that, since we've never really..we don't always have to be..so..so vanilla," I whispered, dropping my gaze, but feeling the weight lift off of my shoulders.
I was terrified how he'd react, but at least we were discussing it now and it was no longer a secret, but I was still embarrassed, and didn't want to make Steve feel like he was a shitty husband. That's quite the opposite of the type of husband he was, and while we both considered our relationship still new, and growing, that should also include our sex life, shouldn't it?

The silence stretched out between us, and the fear souring my stomach from earlier had begun to force bile up my throat. The instinct of fight or flight started to become more pronounced as seconds turned into minutes, and I couldn't keep my eyes from welling up with tears.

"Vanilla?" Steve remarked, but his anger rippled through his voice, "so..in reality, technically, you aren't happy, and haven't been for a while, okay, I really don't know what to say here," he admitted quietly, running his fingers nervously through his hair, as his sharp jaw clenched, and I stepped back, "I sure as hell didn't expect it to be that.."

"Yah, that's what I figured you'd say, I should of just kept my fucken mouth shut, I'm sorry, and I didn't say I wasn't happy, so don't go there.." I stammered, and backed even farther away from his tense posture and clenched fists, "I'm going home, I'll just see you tomorrow alright?" I relinquished, grabbing my bag and heading towards the door.

When I arrived at his bike, and realized he hadn't followed me, my scarred up heart broke a little. Anger, stupidity, and sadness had tears pouring from my eyes as I looked up at the darkening sky.
Now I know why people keep secrets, even from the ones they loved most. There's just some thing's they wouldn't understand, or know how to deal with, but in all honesty, I didn't think it would of ended up like this, with him angry, in the facility, letting me leave.
A small sob escaped over my trembling lips, but I angrily wiped my eyes and slipped on my helmet, heading home alone, wondering whether I should stay or pack a bag and head to my little home away from home. My cabin upstate, which once belonged to my birth parents, in order to calm down, and hopefully garner some reflection.
Nat and Tony said this wasn't that big a deal, but they were so wrong, I was so wrong, and regretted every single word I said.
I looked over my shoulder one more time as I pulled out of the facility, but I knew Steve wouldn't be behind me, not after what I just said. So I drove, and just hoped this...this didn't ruin what we had.