50 Shades Of Steve Rogers

Chapter 15

We drove in silence, but Steve's hand never left mine, and continued to give it reassuring squeezes the closer we got to Manhattan. My mind was still reeling with the information I'd received from Tony, and what lay ahead of us at home, but clung to my husband's words like a mantra.
Oh, I understood why Natasha did what she did, better than anyone, because of what I went through with Tony. The only difference was I had the strength to walk away, I had too for my own sanity. For Tony and I, it wasn't just because of his unyielding work ethic, but because I didn't have the rush of emotions, and thought there was something wrong with me, like I was missing something, some mechanism in my brain, unwilling to fall head over heels in love with Tony. I assumed I was broken, still suffering from the loss of my parents somehow, and didn't want to hurt him in the long run, but he was already hurting me.
I mean, I thought I was in love, but although the loneliness hit me hard, our relationship didn't mimic those flourishing bonds around us. It was as if we were more like friends, who occasionally slept together, and saw each other naked.
I never once blamed Tony for his nightmares and trauma, but in his resignation of our relationship, he never told me about the reasons he drove himself into the ground with work, my wellbeing being behind that drive, and now I was riddled with guilt and shame.
Cause once Steve came along, I began to understand what I was missing. The relationship between Steve and I was everything I wanted, everything I hoped for, when it came too loving someone and having them love you back, unconditionally.
After a few months of dating, Steve had no qualms telling me he loved me, and went out of his way to make sure I knew that. He called, texted, tried to spend whatever down time he had, in order for us to lay a foundation down, a foundation for a future we both wanted. I even marveled at the way my body responded to him, hell even his texts could send butterflies dive bombing in my stomach, and goosebumps prickling all over my skin. It was something I never experienced before, and Steve still had the power to do all those things, nothing had changed, even though we were working on our fourth year of marriage.
But with Tony... things were just different. He was an enigma, as well as my best friend, one of the few people who didn't question who I was or where I came from. He accepted me without those things, he was there when Phil began to fill in the missing pieces, and questions I later had about my parents and what they did. He was there for some of the nightmares, and my rage. In fact, it was one of those bad nights, and a glass of bourbon, that he kissed me, and we ended up in bed together, hoping this would be it, but our romantic relationship just wasn't what I needed from him. I needed more, regardless of his reasoning behind his work ethic.
Just as Bruce couldn't give to Tasha what she needed.
The only dire misgiving I had as we drove into Manhattan was what this whole revelation was going to do to our team, and what was going to happen between Tony and I.
I wanted nothing more than too comfort Tony, and let him explain, in depth, what he meant, especially after learning what he told Steve. He was my friend, and I didn't want to lose him, but as Manhattan drew closer, my heart beat with dread, knowing we, Tony and I may never recover from this revelation.

"Are you alright?" Steve asked, while the shining lights of Manhattan shined closer.
"I honestly don't know, I am, about you and me, but..," I answered truthfully, "I know why Red did what she did, I'm not exactly proud of the way she excuted her dalliance, but I understand, and sometimes things happen for a reason."
"That's not what I was talking about," he murmured, bringing my knuckles up to his lips.
I glanced at him, and took a deep breath, "Steve, I... I didn't know.. I love Tony, he's my person, my best friend, just like James is for you, but I just don't understand, after all this time. He never said anything, ever, even when I...even though I just talked to him about.. what we.. about you and I..I always do," I paused and looked back out the window, knowing Steve would probably be upset, but mostly thinking about all the times Tony helped me when I had questions or concerns about Steve and our relationship. He was happy that I was happy, and never said he was unhappy, especially once he settled down and started dating Pepper.
Although, the way Tony and I ended our romantic relationship wasn't exactly healthy, but after some time, we resumed our friendship as if nothing happened. I should of known then.
"Wait, I already knew the answer to this question, and tried to let it go, but you discussed your misgivings about our sex life, no you know what, that's not important, and it'll just piss me off," my husband growled, but took a deep breath and shook his head, "(y/n), you and I started dating not long after you and Tony broke up, I just think, he really didn't have time too.." he started to say, and while he tried to backtrack and hide his anger, he failed.
"It sounds like you're making excuses for Tony still being in love with your wife," I snapped, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, as our home just got closer, "and yes I talked to him, just like you talked too Bucky, or Sam, girls talk shop too," I added sharply, "and it's not like he didn't talk to me about his one nighters, or Pep.."
It was after midnight and cold, making the streets damn near empty, and eerie, which didn't help my decaying mood again, but apparently this was a discussion we needed to have, and we were going to have it.
"And that's neither here nor there Rogers. When I met you that day, in the ring, I knew then, you were the one for me, I knew it more so when I kissed you in the coffee shop...why the hell are we even talking about this when the problem is Tasha and Bucky?!" I barked, becoming more aggravated, and restless in the cab of Steve's truck.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, focusing on everything Steve and I had done this past weekend, and what we discussed just an hour earlier.
We had discovered new things about one another, we re-learned every line and crevice of each other's body's, pushed ourselves farther than we ever had before, only to crave more. We even discussed different things we could do, things I could do to show him just how much I trusted him with my body and soul, but the tension in the cab began to climb, and my exhausted brain quickly became overwrought with rage.
"Because what Tony said obviously upset you, no matter if we just made love in the cab of this truck, and what I told you," he muttered, letting go of my hand and parking the truck. Anger and tension radiated off his body, and his jaw clenched, as his hand tightened on the wheel.
"Of course I'm upset, how the hell else am I supposed to feel here Rogers, huh, how am I supposed to deal with the fact my oldest friend just admitted he still cared for me, and I don't want to hurt him," I muttered through clenched teeth, "you know what, we just spent a wonderful weekend together, so I'm hanging onto that with both hands, but you're about too really piss me off, you were fine when your dick was buried inside me, now all of a sudden you're mad cause I'm upset about Tony?!" I snapped, opening my door and jumping out of the cab.
"Hey wait a damn minute!" He declared behind me.
I shook my head and barged through our front door, seeing both Buck and Natasha quickly jump up, surprised.
"What....?" James asked, frowning as Steve slammed the door behind me.
"FRIDAY, contact Tony and let him know we need to have a meeting, we're discussing this tonight, and let Bruce know if he Hulk's out, I'll fucken kill him, is that understood?" I cursed, bypassing Nat's open mouth, and James's snort.
"May I remind you that the Hulk, cannot be killed, but I will relay your message," FRIDAY answered.
"What the hell's the matter with you?!" Steve barked, roughly grabbing my arm while I walked upstairs towards our bedroom, "have you lost your fucken mind?!"
"Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone just needs to calm down," Buck stuttered, looking between Steve and I, "is this about Nat and I, and did I just hear you curse, it sounded so natural?" He snickered, but quickly sobered when I turned my dark gaze on him.
"I think Rogers and I need to have a little discussion," Nat hummed behind me, "and by Rogers, I mean Winchester, let's go now."