Curse's Daughter

12- Apologies

We walked in and Sam was at a table in the library with a beer in his hand.

"We're back, Sam." Dean hollered. Sam came running over.

"Babe, I'm just so happy you're back." He stated. He tried to hug me but I shoved him off.

"Don't you babe me. You have no right to even be talking to me right now. I trusted you, I loved you, I did everything for you. I was in hell yet I spent every moment thinking about you two and how I couldn't wait to get back to you and Dean. All I did was love you, Sam. I never did anything to you, yet you go and cheat on me while I was in hell. You've got quite the nerve. Lucifer told me this was how it was. He told me that you only wanted me for your own pleasure. You never truly loved me. You cheated on me and you always wanted to. So don't even think that there's anything you can say right now that will change the situation." I snapped before walking off. I sat on the couch and distracted myself with the tv. Dean came in a while after.

"Hey, I think you should listen to what Sam has to say. You don't have to. I just think it's a good idea. We're heading to bed. You know where to find me if you need me." He placed a blanket on the arm of the couch knowing that I would probably end up sleeping there. I watched tv for about an hour before I decided to listen to Sam. I trusted Dean and if he thought I should listen to Sam, then I probably should.

I knocked on Sam's door hoping he was still awake. He opened it quickly. "I'm gonna listen to you, just don't go acting like I'm crazy to be mad at you."

"Hey, of course not. You're not crazy at all. That's why I haven't talked to you since you got back. You have every reason to be mad." He stated. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I know sorry doesn't cut it but I mean it. All you did was love me and I know that. I love you too. I still do. I never wanted you for my own pleasure. I wanted you so that I could love you and make you happy. If I was miserable yet you were happy, I'd take it over the other way around." He told me. I believed what he said.

"Answer this: Why? Why did you cheat on me?"

"First, she came onto me, not the other way around. The reason I didn't tell her to get lost is because she reminds me of Jess in every way. I loved you, I truly did, and you're way more than Jess to me, but that's why. I couldn't handle how much she reminded me of her."

"I don't cheat on you with Dean yet there's moments that feelings come back. So is every pretty blonde gonna make you cheat on me?" I asked.

"No."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I don't know, ok? I just couldn't handle my emotions and I let them get the better of me. I'm sorry. I know you hate me now. Just like Dean says about himself, I repeatedly screw up your life. I don't blame you for wanting to stay as far away from me as possible. I can't make this right, but please take me back. I'm still your husband."

"I don't hate you. I'm mad, but I will never hate you. You can start making this right by never seeing her again." I told him.

"I already broke up with her and kicked her out." I nodded and stood there for a few moments. The tears flooded down my face at first in just a few drops, but then becoming rivers. "Why are you so upset?"

"I need you, Sam. I need you in my life. I've been a wreck without you. I can't live without you. You shattered my trust but I need you in my life. I can't lose you. Not again. I want to walk out that door and never come back because of what you did but another part of me wants to climb in bed with you and talk this out. I just don't know what to do and I'm having trouble thinking straight and I think I'm having a panic attack." I ranted as I progressively got more upset and began to bawl. I was freaking out so badly that I sat on the floor against the door and cried with my head in my hands. Sam got up and came over to me. He sat down next to me.

"Caitlin, I'm so sorry. I mean it. It's taking everything in me not to leave so I stop hurting you. I'm sorry I cheated, I'm sorry I didn't think of you as much as I should, I'm sorry I didn't work harder at getting Cas to get you back, I'm sorry I let my emotions get the best of me, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I betrayed you, and most of all, I'm sorry I'm not the husband you wanted. You deserve a faithful man and a loving man. I've been neither of these. Just know I'm sorry. Listen, let's get you back to the couch and we can discuss in the morning. You need time to calm down. I'll be right there with you until you calm down enough to sleep."

"I-I know you're so-sorry." I replied as I hyperventilated. We got up.

"Come on, let's get you back to the couch."

"Can I stay with you? Please?"

"I thought you were mad." He objected.

"I am, but I-I need you." I explained. He nodded. He got in bed and pulled the sheets aside for me to get in. I slowly calmed down. "Sam?" I asked after a few minutes. He rolled over to face me.

"I may be mad but I crossed the line. I'm sorry about what I said earlier." I stated shyly.

"What do you mean?"

"I said you wanted me for your own pleasure and I know that's not true. I said you didn't love me and that you had always wanted to cheat on me. I understand about all the emotions getting the better of you. Sometimes emotions come back from me wanting Dean years ago, but it doesn't result in me cheating. I don't get why it did for you. But I'm sorry for what I said." I explained.

"Don't apologize. You had every right to vent and if you say you didn't mean them, I believe you. It resulted in me cheating because I- I was possessed. There. There's the truth. I was possessed and the demon wanted me to use her for my own pleasure to get at you. Dean exorcized me and I was me again, but I couldn't bear to hurt someone and I couldn't figure out how to explain it to her. I explained hunting stuff to her for a couple weeks leading up to the day you came back so that once I kicked her out, she could still be somewhat safe. That's what happened. I kicked her out that day." He replied. I was in shock. He really wasn't cheating on me?

"Then why did Dean say she was your girlfriend?"

"I don't think he knew I was just telling her some stuff about hunting so I could kick her out. I think he thought I was still with her. He tried to get me to kick her out long before then, but I was possessed so I didn't."

"You should have told me and Dean. I'm so sorry, Sam. I've been blaming you so much. I've been shouting mean things at you and treating you like you're worth less than the dirt on my shoes. It's not your fault." I consoled.

"It's ok. I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd believe me. If you don't believe me, that's ok. I'm done lying though. I mean it, I'm sorry. I also made you think you couldn't tell me about hell. You can tell me if you want or let Dean tell me. Or you can not tell me. That's ok too. Let's just get some sleep."

"I believe you. And I agree, let's get some sleep. I do know you're sorry. I still love you and always did." I told him.

"I love you too." I snuggled close to him and fell asleep.