Curse's Daughter

13- Discussing Hell

"Just curious, why'd you make up the story about emotions from Jess?" I asked.

"I didn't. I had all those feelings while I was possessed, but when I would normally be able to ignore the feelings, the demon put them into overdrive. I'm just sorry."

"You can stop apologizing. It's ok." We fell asleep pretty quickly. We woke up in the morning and were going to head out to the main room when I spoke up.

"Sam, can you give me a second with Dean?" He nodded and I left the room.

"Hey, you ok now?"

"Mostly. I have a question though." He nodded. "Why didn't you tell me Sam was possessed and that's why he was with that girl?"

"Because I didn't think you'd believe me for one, and because I knew you'd never talk to me about hell and you'd keep getting sicker if I couldn't get you to talk to me. I also exorcized Sam and he was still with her so I thought he really did want to be with her." He explained.

"So you lied to me so that I would talk to you?" I asked to clarify.

"Yes, I'm sorry."

"Dean, that's low even for you. And I would have believed you had you said he was possessed. I trust you. You're the entire reason we were avoiding each other for so long." I told him.

"I know. I'm sorry, Caitlin. I screwed up."

"It's ok. Just tell me the truth from now on. And I also need to say thanks. You were there for me when I was upset and helped me feel a little better about hell. Sam said the reason she was around after he was exorcized was because he was explaining some hunting stuff to her so once he kicked her out, she would be safe. He knows things would maybe attack her if they saw Sam knew her. Just so you know."

"You don't need to thank me. Just know I'm here for you. And you know you can talk to Sam about hell too. He's been through it as well." He added.

"Thanks. I'm gonna hang with Sam today if that's ok. If Diana asks for me, send her over." He nodded. I went back in to Sam.

"Hey babe. You know I'm all ears if you want to tell me about hell. I've been through it too. If you don't want to tell me or want Dean to, that's ok too."

"Ok. Just know tears are gonna come." He nodded and put an arm around me. "So I was in the cage with lucifer. He tortured me and beat me every single day. He wouldn't stop, he didn't give me a deal, he just kept doing it. I was bleeding profusely and in more pain than you could ever imagine. He'd occasionally stop for a day or two, but he kept going. He'd carve and tear and there'd be nothing left. Then, like what happened to Dean, I'd be whole again, like magic, all for him to start all over. The physical pain was hard to bear but it wasn't the worst. The worst was the emotional trauma he caused and that I caused myself. He told me how you had moved on and would never love me again. He said that you had always wanted me for your own selfish pleasures and you never truly cared. He told me how you hated me and so did Dean. I didn't want to believe him, but I did. I kept thinking about how mad you would be because of what I did and that you probably didn't even miss me. Cas got me out and said lucifer is stuck in his cage for at least a decade. Then I came here and Brenda opened the door to the bunker and Dean filled me in. It felt so much worse than I thought it would because she basically confirmed everything he said and everything I thought." I explained. Sam stayed quiet and actually turned away from me. "Sam, I'm sorry."

"How could you think all that about me? I understand the cheating stuff, but everything else. How could you really think all that?"

"I-I don't know. I'm sorry ok? You wanted me to talk so I did. I'm sorry you thought I was a better wife than this."

"I just don't get why you'd think that I only wanted you for pleasure, that I could ever truly hate you, or that, of all things, I wouldn't miss you." He explained.

"I don't know, Sam. I'm so sorry. I guess I should have just stayed there. It would make things a whole lot less complicated." I reasoned.

"Hey. Now you hold on just a minute. I never said you needed to go back. Don't you dare say you should be back in hell. Don't you dare think that I want you to be tortured. I never once said or implied any of that." He stated sincerely. "I'm not pissed at you, I just hate that he made you think that way. I never used you for my own pleasure. I only tried to love you and show you how loved you are. I know I failed at that, but I tried. I could never hate you. You are my whole world, Caitlin. You are my one true love and I don't want to do anything to screw that up. I will always miss you. When you go to get food or something, I miss you even in that quick stretch of time you are gone for. I missed you tremendously while you were gone. I thought I would die without you. The possession wasn't my fault, but the emotions that came were. I just had no control over how I reacted to them. I hope you know that normally, if I get feelings that remind me of Jess with anyone, I shove them aside. I'm just sorry you lived through what you did. I should have been here for you once you got out." He told me. He had such a sadness in his voice.

"Sam, you didn't fail at loving me. You always made sure I knew how loved I was. I know you didn't use me for pleasure. You never have. I missed you too. You and Dean were all I thought about. I know you shove feelings for Jess aside and if I implied you didn't, I'm sorry. Also, you said once that you're not the husband I wanted. That's not true. I love you very much and you're the perfect husband. Don't apologize for anything." I stated. We sat in silence for a moment before the tears came from me as I thought about my time in hell. I couldn't control them and Sam noticed.

"Why are you crying?" He asked with concern. "I'm not mad."

"Because I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough." I explained.

"Strong enough? What do you mean?" He questioned. He had such concern present in his face that I almost didn't want to tell him. "Honey, talk to me. What do you mean?"

"I went in promising myself that I was gonna stay strong and not let emotions or anything get to me. I promised myself that I would come out stronger than I was so I could quit freaking out and crying all the freaking time. I wanted to be strong so I could be the wife you deserve. I've never been good enough for you. I've never been the person you want." I explained. The tears still came and I was now practically sobbing. He pulled me close and held me tightly.

"Caitlin, baby, you didn't need to do that to yourself. You're an amazing wife. You're perfect and the one I want to be with. It's ok that you let things get to you. Anyone would have. You don't freak out and cry too much. Don't be so hard on yourself. I love you. You've always been enough for me. Always. You're such a wonderful person. It's ok." He consoled. I stayed there in his arms. He rubbed my back and tried to calm me down. It didn't totally work but I laid there with my head on his chest, a few tears leaking out, as he calmed me down. "Let's take a break from everything. Let's just hang out for a few days. No talking about the bad unless you need to and we'll just relax. We've both been through a lot."

"That's a good idea. Can I ask a question?"

"Sure."

"How long were you possessed and dating Brenda?"

"A couple weeks." He replied

"Did you hurt Diana or Dean? I just want to be sure I know everything."

"Surprisingly, no. I didn't hurt them." I nodded.

"Good." I stayed there with Sam for a few hours before we went out to the kitchen to get dinner.