Curse's Daughter

34- Addressing Feelings

I walked in to Sam who was playing with Diana. "Sam, can we talk?" I asked shyly. He nodded.

"I'll be back ok honey?"

"Ok, dad." She replied. We went to our room. He looked quite angry.

"Before you say anything, I'm not kicking him out. I was mad and didn't mean it. Also, I heard every word of that conversation between you and Dean. You still have feelings for him?"

"I know you're mad, and rightfully so. I just want you to know a couple things. One, Dean feels horrible about how he feels towards me and about lying. He can't help his feelings, Sam. You get feelings about Jess and shove them away, Dean does the same about me, and I do the same about him. We all have it happen, so why is it different for him or me? But yes, I have feelings for him still. That doesn't make me want to be with you any less. I still love you and want to be with you. That is, assuming you're still willing to be with me. You also need to know that you can trust your brother. Even when you have been gone or anything and it's just him and I, he has never tried to come onto me. Ever. And I would surely hope that you know I would never come onto him. I'm mad that he lied too, but he feels bad enough. We don't need to make it worse." I told Sam.

"I know you would never go onto him. I know Dean hasn't done anything. That's not why I was saying he should get out."

"Then why?" What other reason could there be? I asked myself.

"He's driving us apart. He's trying to spend as much time with you as possible so we'll slowly be apart more and more. He wants you and he just can't let that go."

"That is not what he is doing. Don't accuse him of that. He has been making sure you and I spend as much time together as possible."

"Well I feel like he's driving us apart. I know he can't control his emotions though. That I'm not mad about." Sam added. I didn't say anything. I just continued to sit there and tried to force the tears to not come. It didn't work. A tear fell down my face. "Why are you upset? What did I do?"

"Sam, we are slowly driving apart from each other but I don't know why. You're here for me when I'm upset and I have been a lot but emotionally and everything, I kind of feel like you don't really care or love me anymore. You say you do, but I haven't been sensing much force behind the words. I know it's the same for you too. I'm sure you doubt whether or not I love you all the time too, but whatever the reason behind all of this is, it's not Dean's fault."

"You really don't think I love you?"

"Not anymore." It wasn't so much that I doubted he loved me, but more like he didn't seem to have as much meaning behind it when he said it and after what I said to Dean, he'd have every reason to not anymore.

"Caitlin, I love you so much. I'd do anything for you. I just don't want you getting hurt because of all that's going on with Dean and stuff. That's why I'm seeming so mean recently. I love you and I always have. Don't doubt that." He told me sincerely and gently.

"I love you too. I just don't get how you can after what I said to Dean."

"Caitlin, if you haven't done anything and neither of you have acted on those feelings, then it doesn't matter. It's the same with me. I still love Jess. Sure, she's not here for me to have feelings for, but if she was, it would be the same thing. I just don't get why you felt you had to keep it from me."

"Sam, I don't expect you to get it, but I didn't think you would love me anymore if you took that to mean I wanted to be with Dean. I swore you'd be pissed and never want to talk to me again. I thought if I kept it from you, then you'd keep loving me."