Psycho

Day 3

I woke up, but felt no motivation to move.  I lay, my eyes focused on the white, blank ceiling.  I wish it was open, that I had wings and could just fly away.  But it's closed, and I only had arms.

There was a knock on my door followed by the sound of it being unlocked and opened.  I remained silent, having nothing to say.  I could hear my tray being set in its usual spot before the door shut along with the lock.  I sighed, slowly rising and walking over to find a bowl of oatmeal and fruit with a glass of water.  Beside it was my pill which I quickly took with the water.  I started walking back to the bed but froze when I heard my stomach grumbling.  I sighed, walking back and eating.

"I can't starve myself, there's always another way" my inner therapist said.

"What if the only way is to be stuck in here?" my realistic side asked.

"Suicide is never the answer"

"Aren't I gonna die anyway?"

"He'll know if you don't eat, he won't let you kill yourself"

I squeezed my eyes shut, holding my head.  The voices in there were starting to give me a headache, making things worse.  I took a deep breath and decided I was too hungry, taking a bite of oatmeal.  I can't go crazy, I can't hear voices, I have to stay rational.

I continued and set the dish back on the tray once I finished.  I sat back on the bed and hugged my knees as I stared forward.  I don't know how long I was like that, but I know the door opened a while later.

"Katie?" his voice made my heart skip beats and my eyes widen.  I froze in my spot, seeing him in my peripheral vision as the door was to my left.  There was silence and I could tell Jason was waiting for an answer.  "Did you like your breakfast?"

I let out a shaky breath, still not saying anything.  Part of me wanted to reply to him, and part of me wanted to scream and yell at him, but the part that was taking over was the part that said to shut up and shut him out.

"I'm glad you're eating.  I told my chefs that you're vegan, so everything you get should be vegan.  If you find it's not...or you don't like it...just let me know and I'll take care of whoever displeased you," he explained.  I closed my eyes, looking down.  I guess that's how Jason deals with all of his problems: kills them.  "And...you might have noticed there's a television.  Once I can trust you won't try to escape or contact anyone, I'll let you watch it.  Same with eating.  Once things get more comfortable around here, you'll be able to go out of your  room."

I let out a small little breath, trying not to cry.  Hearing him talk like this was going to be long term, like this was going to be the rest of my life...made thing even worse.  I reminded me it wouldn't end.  I noticed Jason stepping towards me and I quickly turned around so my back was facing him.

I could feel him coming closer, my heart beating faster as he did.  "I'm not going to hurt you," he said softly from behind me.  But I was afraid, I was afraid to actually be in the position of his victims, and I was afraid of when it would end.  When he would kill me.  How would he do it?  Most of the time it's by gun, but he's the type to enjoy suffering.  So would he use a knife? Hang me?

I shuttered at my own thoughts, gulping.  I felt Jason's hand on my shoulder and jumped, getting off the bed and moving as far away as possible in the room.  Jason followed me and I crouched down into a ball, trying not to cry.  If he was going to kill me, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I waited for him to do something, but he didn't.  I hesitantly lifted my head to see him looking out the window that was above me.  I stared at him, confused on what he was looking at.  And why.

Jason noticed my eyes on him and looked down at me with a small grin before moving his eyes back out the window.  "It's beautiful, isn't it?" he questioned, his voice soft.  "The way the sun hits the leaves...how they shake ever so slightly from a light breeze, or rapidly from rough winds...nature is a beautiful thing."

I furrowed my eyebrows, still watching him carefully.  Where was he going with this?  Why?  Was he rubbing it in that I couldn't go out there?  Is this another part of his cruelty and me suffering?

"I'm sure you've always been one to appreciate nature...it's why you're vegan, I'm sure," he smiled, trying to lighten the mood.  And for a moment, he almost did.  Almost.

I moved my eyes away, not wanting to hear anymore.  I just wanted to be out there, to feel that breeze again, to appreciate nature while being in it.  A hand appeared in front of my face, making me look up.  I met eyes with Jason who waited for me to take his hand.  I could see hope, and it reminded me that I had lost my own.  I looked down at hi hand though, staring at it.  What was he going to do?  How did he expect me to take his hand?  Was he going to hurt me?  He seems content right now...but does that mean anything?

"I won't hurt you," he said softly.  Those words were so familiar to me now coming from his lips.  So familiar I could almost believe him.  I gulped, still staring at his hand and actually thinking about taking it.  I guess if he kills me it will end the suffering though...I have nothing left to lose.

I slowly raised my hand and placed it in his, feeling warmth and this strange...tingling feeling.  It made my heart beat faster, but I held on.  He pulled me up, looking almost surprised I took his hand.

He led me over to the window, placing me in front of him and then letting go of me.  We stood there, just looking out.  The weather was beautiful today, so beautiful I could even see rays reaching through the branches and specks floating around.

"I can let you out there," Jason whispered, still behind me.  I knew I couldn't believe what he says though, and he would only fill me with false hope.  Maybe it was another part of his game.  Another form of his cruelty, another way to see me suffer.  "I want to let you out there," he said.

I turned around, looking up at him.  His eyes were that soft, honey brown that I noticed hiding under the darkness the first day he entered my office.  But the dark wasn't there, and he was being genuine.  I started to open my mouth to reply, but then I stopped myself, remembering that I can't talk to him.  I shouldn't, and I won't.  My eyes moved to the ground again instead.

"I really do want to let you out.  And maybe one day I will...once I trust you won't run away, and you trust me," he explained.

I closed my eyes, my head hanging down as I tried not to cry at the thought of being outside...at the thought of really being stuck here.  I shook my head, knowing I would never be able to trust him.

I could hear Jason's footsteps start to fade, knowing he was leaving again.  Once I heard the door shut, I looked back up at the door.  He was gone, and I was alone again.  I turned to the window once more, just looking out there again.

My mind was a mess right now, but there were some things I was certain of.  I would never trust Jason, and I would never step foot outside again.