Psycho

Day 17

"What does it mean to love, Katie?" Dr. Perkins cut to the chase as our session began.

I raised my eyebrows, caught off guard. "Excuse me?"

"Love. Tell me the meaning of it," he repeated.

I heard the question, but was still confused on why he would so blatantly ask me such a question. "W-why do you ask? I mean, usually you start with a 'how are you feeling today?' or 'has anything been bothering you?' kind of question. Not...such a...deep question."

"I know where I'm getting at, I just want you to answer the question. It's deep, yes, but this is therapy nonetheless," he pointed out.

I sat there a moment, thinking, before slowly shaking my head. "I can't."

"You can't what?"

"Define love. It's indefinable," I stated simply.

"We both know that isn't true. Every word has a meaning."

"If you just look at the word, yeah, you can just look it up in a dictionary or online and you get something simple like...a strong affection towards someone or something..." I got technical.

"Well, then there's your definition..."

"But love itself isn't simple. You originally asked for the meaning...and that's what I can't answer. Love has a meaning dependent on the feeling...so it means something different to everyone," I cut him off, not finished with my explanation.

Dr. Perkins stared at me a moment, then gave a nod. "Okay...what does it mean to you?"

"Me?" I questioned, receiving a nod from him in response. I took a moment to think of love and how it felt to me, looking down to the side as I tried to figure it out. "Well...there's different types of love. I know I've felt love for my family, and my friends...but for a...romantic partner?" I looked back up at him, seeing him wait intensely for my answer. "I can't say I have..."

"No? You've never felt strongly towards someone?"

I continued to sit in silence, wondering if I've ever truly felt something like that, and my mind went to Jason. Jason...where was all this leading to? Why would Dr. Perkins be asking me these questions...unless... "You aren't proposing that I love Jason, are you?"

Dr. Perkins tried to hide his change in expression, but I could see him grow uncomfortable, an answer on its own. "I never even mentioned Jason...is there a reason you bring him up?"

I gave an apathetic expression in return, letting him know I wasn't clueless. "I thought you were trying to help me...telling me how I feel doesn't help."

"I'm not telling you how to feel, I'm trying to figure it out. You've never explicitly expressed your feelings about Mr. McCann, you've just described him. That can only give me an idea of what you feel, but not..."

"I get it. I'll tell you how I feel about Jason!" I interrupted, already understanding him without him repeating the same thing a dozen times.

He gave a nod, prepared to take notes. "Go ahead."

I let out a breath, wondering where I even start. I've felt so many different things towards Jason at different times, sometimes all at once. "I guess...I've felt an array of different emotions towards Jason. I've only known him a couple days, but we've already been through so much..." I attempted to gather my thoughts. "I've felt...fear...frustration, anger, sympathy...empathy...caring..." I trailed off as my feelings became kinder, unsure if I should even share them. But what did I have to lose at this point? "I've even...I've even felt affection for him..."

"Affection?"

I nodded. "Yeah...there would be times with him that just...made me like him more as a person...I grew to understand him. Especially towards the end of our time together, I found myself enjoying his company and even feeling...at home. Like I didn't even want to leave because he made me feel something I never had...I meant something to him, and soon he meant something to me."

There was a deep and long silence that followed, and when I looked back at Dr. Perkins he was just staring. I realized now that I got a bit carried away. "Well...I don't want to tell you how you feel but...maybe that's what love means to you," he suggested. Instead of arguing, I remained silent because...maybe there was some truth to that. "Do you think he would say something similar about you?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to think from Jason's perspective. From our conversations, our concerns for one another, the multiple kisses we've shared..."I would like to think so...I believe so...yeah," I finally answered.

Dr. Perkins wrote something down, letting out a sigh. "This is what I predicted...but part of me was hoping I was wrong because of what I have to say next." I waited for him to continue as he looked up from his notes. "Jason McCann...doesn't love you."

I took a moment to respond, but all I said was, "Excuse me?"

"He doesn't love you...or have feelings for you...he might not even like you," Dr. Perkins went on, leaving me offended.

"How could you say that, you haven't spoken to him?"

"True...but I know who he is. He does what he can to get what he wants, and maybe at the time he took you he wanted to...fulfill some desires he hadn't in a while..."

"Stop!" I stood up, raising my voice. "I don't even want to think about that!"

"I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth! Just think about it, did he ever actually say he loved you?"

"No, but I never told him that either!" I shot back.

"What about the kidnapping itself! I mean, you said he gave you a nice room, had people serving you, treating you nicely, giving you things...why would he do any of those things if there wasn't something in it for him?"

"Because he was...being nice...he...cared about...me..." I trailed off as Dr. Perkins' words stuck in my head. I slowly turned around, not wanting to face him as I thought.

"Jason McCann isn't nice, and he only cares about himself. You know of his crimes, why would he suddenly treat a pretty girl that's his age kindly? Especially after years of leading robberies, drug deals, and violence!"

I stood there, understanding what he was saying. But the way Jason acted...was it really just that? An act? Maybe my mind really was just all over the place, maybe I needed more help than I thought to figure this out...