Angel of Light (A Zak Bagans Story)

Chapter 52: Insecurities

Authors Note: Just wanted to comment to say I hope this chapter isn't too far fetched. It's basically another one of those "what my dream man" would say in this type of situation.

Chapter 52: Insecurities

I had been in the house for about five minutes now. I had gone into the kitchen and gotten a bottle of water, but knew I couldn't go back outside right away - I was feeling to insecure - even though I knew the longer I stayed inside, the higher the chance of someone coming in to look for me.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, the bottle of water left unopened on the table, looking at picture after picture of Shannon on Google Images on my phone. Almost all of them, even pictures she had taken of herself, were like looking at pictures of a model that all women hate, but secretly wished they were like them.

Clearly, Shannon was all about showing off her body, and she probably hadn't hesitated to jump into bed with Zak. And there I was, a 32-year-old, stupidly shy, virgin.

How can I even compete with her? I thought.

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against one hand.

Suddenly, I heard Zak's voice behind me.

"Ali? You okay? Cheryl said you-" he stopped mid sentence, probably having noticed what I was looking at on my phone. A picture of Zak and Shannon - Zak looking happily into the camera, with Shannon kissing his cheek.

I opened my eyes and quickly swiped the screen on my phone to minimize the browser, lowering my head slightly to avoid looking at him.

"Ali..." Zak said softly.

I kept quiet as I saw Zak come into view, moving my water bottle aside and then sat down on the coffee table, directly in front of me. I let him take my phone from my hand, and saw him bring up the browser again, tapping back to see what exactly I had been doing. He then closed out the browser - after closing out the tab with my Google search - and set my phone aside.

I looked at him when he leaned his head down a bit to look up at me - he was frowning slightly.

"Why were you looking at pictures of her?" Zak asked.

I hesitated.

"We got on the subject of relationships...Diana was wondering about Aaron and Cheryl, and you and I...I said things between us were complicated. She said something about you still being nervous to be with anyone...and then Diana and Ashley started talking about Shannon...she brought up a picture on her phone to show Cheryl and I..." I explained softly.

Zak sighed, rubbing his forehead with one hand.

"I don't suppose either of them mentioned what she did to me?" Zak asked, sounding slightly annoyed - not annoyed at me, but annoyed at the topic in general.

"Ashley said she'd get jealous...started using drugs, flirted with other guys, and cheated on you..." I said softly, feeling bad at bringing up what were most likely painful memories.

Zak nodded, his expression blank.

"Then why are you wasting time by looking at old pictures?" Zak asked softly.

I looked down at my hands and started fiddling with a bit of the fabric of my skirt.

"Because, I...she's obviously a completely different person compared to me...Ashley said she posed for 'Playboy'..." I started, but stopped when I felt Zak take my hands in his.

I looked up at him.

"Ali...I was with her over ten years ago, things change," Zak said.

"So...you don't like women who flaunt their bodies and are all about sexuality anymore?" I asked, looking doubtful.