Red Lighter ✧ John Murphy

XLII - Nothing

June 24th, 2016

uggGGGGgggghHHHHHHH

EXAMS SUCK SO MUCH

Exams = Studying = Anxiety at whether or not I'm actually going to pass some courses = NO WRITING DONE WHATSOEVER

I would ask for someone to break my hands so that I wouldn't have to write it myself but I already have and I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK AND I'M ACTUALLY PANICKING A LITTLE AND BECAUSE OF THAT THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT AF AND I'M SORRY

On the bright side my fave Zella Day is the artist who sings this amazing song "Shadow Preachers" which fits this chapter ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY PEOPLE

Listen to it while you read and you'll get the full effect that I did when I wrote it ;D

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Chapter Fourty-Two

Clarke was a mess, and she had a right to be. Especially when Titus suddenly grabbed Lexa's body and flipped her over so that she was on her stomach, then moved her head from the back of her neck. In Clarke's mind, it probably looked like a violation to the body of someone she loved. But to Titus, it was ritual.

On the back of her neck was a tattoo, and the closer I looked at it, I realized it was a broken infinity symbol. In spots where a solid line should be, there were dots. The symbol was over a scar on her neck, and it seemed like someone had given her a deep cut in that spot.

"The sacred symbol," I heard Murphy whisper beside me.

"What are you doing?!" Clarke hissed when Titus used a scalpel to cut into the scar.

Lexa's blood began to pour from the wound, but it wasn't long before someone else came from it too. A tiny little tab with long string-like attachments on it, which moved back and forth as if they were searching for something.

"Oh my god," Clarke whispered.

"What the hell?" Murphy said in the same tone.

Titus pulled the tab from Lexa's neck, and the strings continued to move.

"What is that?" Clarke asked.

Titus said something in his language, and the strings suddenly retreated back into the tablet.

"It's an A.I.," Murphy said, resentment in his voice.

"Wrong," Titus stated, and I gulped. "It's the spirit of the commander."

He put the tablet into the box, then slid the lid onto it. He put it under his cloak, then turned Lexa over and took her into his arms. He called out to the guards, who opened the doors for him. He spoke to them in their language.

"May her spirit choose wisely," he said, turning to leave and taking her with him.

The conclave was about to start.

The guards closed the doors. Murphy ran to the door and hit it with his fists, but it wouldn't open. Clarke and I were still in too much shock to even be able to fully process that Lexa was truly dead. Eventually, I was snapped out of it.

"Murphy, it's pointless," I said to him, and he stood still for a moment. "Just stop."

He looked back at me, silent. There was so much emotion swimming in his eyes, and I could barely make it out. He was angry and felt betrayed, but he was also relieved. He was happy to see me.

But I didn't feel that same way.

Clarke didn't cry anymore once they took Lexa's body. However, she did end up exhausting herself from the stress and anxiety about what was to happen, not to mention the grief of losing her lover.

"Clarke, you need to sleep," I said, laying a hand on her shoulder. Clarke flinched away a little, but then slowly nodded. She went over to a couch in the corner, staying as far away from the bed as possible.

I waited until Clarke was asleep before I went back over to the bed and removed the bloody sheets, putting them in the closet for the time being. I had seen Clarke staring at them, and since we're locked in here, I figured keeping the remnants of Lexa hidden behind closed doors would be best.

I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and felt myself beginning to feel rather tired. I was exhausted. But at the same time, I didn't want to sleep. I was tired mentally, not physically. I was done with everything that was happening. I was done with losing everyone and watching each and every person I cared for die, or go down the wrong path. Lexa, Finn, my mother... They were only a few of the people I had left behind, a few that I had cared for in one way or another. I was affected by their deaths in many different ways. It was all getting to be too much.

I leaned against the counter, feeling my breath almost leaving my chest. I just about found it hard to breathe.

"Ven," he said from the doorway.

I took a deep breath and turned to him.

"You okay?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

He looked at me like I was insane. "Because you just watched a girl die?!"

"Shut up!" I whispered. "Clarke is sleeping."

"I don't care," he hissed, an angered look coming into his eyes.

This wasn't about Lexa's death. He had a lot of emotions running in him right now, and he was about to let them all out.

"Why the hell did you leave?!"

"I needed to go home," I said.

"We were going to do that together!" he argued.

"Oh, really?!" my voice was actually rising now. How dare he say that? "You made it very clear the night we left Jaha that you weren't planning on going anywhere. You weren't going back to Arkadia, you said that it wasn't your home."

"Because it isn't! But I would have gone with you, you know that!"

"When?!" I hissed. "Was it going to be before or after you fucked Emori?"

His eyes widened and he froze. But then that dark look came back.

"Is that why you left?" he asked. "You were jealous?"

"I left because you didn't care about me the same way as before, and quite frankly, I felt a couple feelings fade as well," I said, swallowing. The anger was fading, but it was definitely still there. Perhaps because it had been simmering for weeks now. Everything that I had thought of saying to him was rushing out now.

"You think I don't love you?" he asked.

I nodded, backing up a little to lean against the counter. "You made it crystal c-"

He suddenly stepped forwards, cutting me off completely. His hands reached up to cup my face gently, and before I could quite register in my mind what he was about to do, his eyes were closed and his lips were on mine.

I was shocked for a moment, but then my eyes slowly shut and I relaxed. I kissed him back.

I should have pushed him back. I should have left the bathroom and walked away. I should have given up on any feeling I had for him right then and there.

I should have, but I didn't. Because the truth is, I loved him. I would do anything for him.

And nothing would ever change that.  

Or would it?