The Girl in The Green Scarf

F i f t y - f o u r | Hamsa

C H A P T E R

54

– H a m s a –

  "The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you're faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking."
―James Patterson.   

I've always known death is not the end.

That is what kept me sane after my parents died. That is what's keeping me from breaking down and losing it now.

I pray that I meet everyone I lost in Jannah Insha'Allah...

But then I remember it is not the same with Sebastian.

He is not a believer. There is no hope of a future for us in the next life.

If he dies, this is going to be it for us.

And the very idea of losing him forever, is an instant punch of blinding pain.

For hours I've been sitting in the chair beside his bed, watching the covers move as he breaths.

The constant motion of his muscles over his ribs a relief and the steady rhythm of his heart a comfort.

Steady, for now at least.

He flatlined twice since he came out of surgery. And twice I thought that was it, he was dead, but then he'd come back, hanging by threads.

The doctors say he's getting better today, stabilizing, but I don't know if I can believe them. I don't want to hold on to something that'll break me apart in the end.

I feel wetness on my face and put my hand up to my eyes to stop the tears.

I shouldn't cry. I've cried enough to know it doesn't help.

My tears won't draw color back into Sebastian's face, or pull his lips into a smile, they won't make his wounds heal, or his heart any stronger.

He would still be lying on his bed, connected to a dozen machines, hands limp at his sides with needles stuck inside.

Fighting with all my might to keep the grief at bay, I close my eyes and pretend he is just sleeping; Sebastian always loved to sleep, he's the laziest person I know.

I pretend that he's well and sound and that saying his name will bring him right back to me.

The door behind me opens and shuts.

Someone comes to stand on the other side of Sebastian's bed.

"He is still asleep," Alex says.

He is not asleep, I want to say, but I just nod, opening my eyes.

Alex touches Sebastian's hand, the one wrapped in bandages. A slight touch and then he pulls back, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You should eat something, Hamsa."

There are dark shadows under his eyes and the humour that normally danced in them is gone. His blond hair is wet and plastered to his forehead, and so are his clothes--he must have been outside.

He is still in the same clothes he was in two days ago. The same clothes covered in Lamees' blood, which is now a shade away from black.

I peel my eyes away from his stained shirt.

"I ate," I say.

And it is not completely a lie, because I think I ate at some point in the past days.