The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

4. Questions

School seemed to be much easier today. Oli and Jake greeted me in the hallway and we all walked to class together, Jake departing a bit before us. I found myself able to focus more in class, though it was still quite boring. It was during lunch though that things hit a snag. I was sitting at Jake and Oli's table again, playing with my fries more than eating them. I hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation but was abruptly brought into it.

"Hey so do you like talk at all? I mean you're not a mute or some shit right? You're too cute for that." A small girl with an obvious spray tan and badly dyed blond hair spoke up causing silence to spread across the table. I could tell they were all waiting for me to speak and I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I could feel my cheeks flush and my body began to shake. The thoughts were screaming at me and I fought the urge to cover my ears. I kept my eyes trained on the table willing them to let this go.

"Guys leave the poor kid alone." The words were followed by a small chuckle. I looked across the table at the source of the words. She had appeared out of thin air, I'm sure of it. She had a carefree smile that lit up her hazel eyes. She looked like an angel. Her eyes locked on mine and she gave me a reassuring smile while her fingers worked to braid her almost black hair. I tried to show my thanks with a smile but found myself falling short as another voice spoke up.

"Come on Hennessey, don't tell me you're not even a little curious. What's your story man. I mean you blow in here a month into the year and just sit there never saying a word. Mystery is cool but at this point it's a little weird." 

"I didn't say I wasn't curious I just think that it's not our place to butt into his life. I'm sure if there's anything he wants to share he will." The girl, Hennessey, shot a challenging glare to a boy at the very end of the table, who simply smirked in return. She then snuck a glance at me that I barely caught in the corner of my eye.

Oli was quick to jump in and redirect the conversation to some school event that was happening this week. I could still feel people's eyes burning holes on my skin at times but I never dared look up. The bell rang and I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. My eyes never left the ground as I silently gathered my things. I felt a hand be placed gently upon mine and give it a squeeze. For a moment the shaking stopped and my eyes travelled the length of the mysterious arm to meet eyes that could I could easily get lost in. Hennessey simply squeezed my hand again before exiting the cafeteria.

The rest of the day was seemingly uneventful. Jake had made a comment about me looking tired but once again, I shrugged it off. Throughout the day I saw him become increasingly concerned and once I drifted off in last period he finally had enough. He approached my desk at the end of class. It took me a moment to notice him as I was distracted looking at the trees tapping against the window.

"Hey so I know it's not really my place, but I have to ask. Is everything like okay, like at home. I know chances are you're not gonna tell me but it's just you're barely awake which means you haven't slept and you know you don't talk and don't think I didn't notice you didn't really eat lunch." He took a deep breath and looked around the room before continuing. "And I mean you literally shake all the time and at first I thought it was just nerves but now I'm not so sure and I don't know the point is, are you okay?"

I was frozen. I wanted to lie and say I was fine and I wanted to tell him the truth but I couldn't do anything. I could feel the tears forming and I willed them away but alas they fell. I quickly looked down, praying he didn't notice. Just my luck he did and I saw panic rise in his eyes. Hennessey and Oli walked in the room just then cheering that they had found us.

"There you guy are! We've been looking for.... Oh um, is everything okay?" Oli stuttered and looked quickly between Jake and I. The tears came faster and I couldn't control them. I didn't want anyone to see me, but it was too late. They'll think I'm a freak for sure now if they didn't already. The sobs were silent but on the inside I was dying. The usual butterflies in my stomach had turned into dragons that were ripping me apart with each beat of my heart.

I was having a full on freak out. They couldn't know about this, they just couldn't. Through the violent screams in my head I somehow heard her voice, soothingly bringing me back. She was crouched in front of me.  I'd somehow sunk to the floor without realizing, hands covering my ears with knees tucked up to my chest. Panic position. 

"Nick? Nick I need you to breathe with me okay." Her voice was calm and it rushed through me. She gently pulled my hands from my ears and held them tightly. "Hey, hey just follow me okay. Deep breaths, in and out." I copied her as she took several deep breaths until eventually the screams stopped and I could no longer feel the tears. "That's better. Just take it slow okay. No rush love." We sat there for a while and I could hear Oli talking to Jake even though they were trying to be quiet.

"Dude what the hell did you do?"

"Nothing I swear!"

"He was having a freaking panic attack or some shit that doesn't just happen!"

"I swear I just asked him if he was okay. I mean look at him! There's obviously something really wrong I was worried."

I brought my attention back to Hennessey who was stroking my knuckles with her thumbs. She looked at me with something other than the pity or sympathy that I was used to. She had this look that I could only describe as understanding. For some reason, after everything she just witnessed, she didn't look at me like I had two heads.

"It hurts." The words came tumbling from my mouth to fast to catch and barely above a whisper but she heard me.

"It hurts? What hurts?" She looked frantic and I pointed to myself. "Your chest hurts? Are you having trouble breathing? Do you need an inhaler or something? Should I call someone?"

I violently shook my head. She didn't understand. I gently took her hand and placed it on my chest, right above my heart.

"Everything hurts. It always hurts." It was a painful truth but it needed to be said. She stood pulling me up with her before wrapping her arms around my waist. It was the best damn hug I've ever had and when she pulled away I could still smell her shampoo. She turned towards the boys with a smile.

"Alright boys we're going out."