The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

5. Bonding

So apparently 'going out' meant going to the local diner for milkshakes and curly fries. It was a cute little place, family run and appropriately named Rush. There were always people moving about the place but it didn't feel busy. It felt homely and I loved it. We sat in a small booth near the font with a nice view of the pier. I sat beside Oli, Hennessey directly across from me and Jake beside her. Everyone ordered milkshakes and I thought about declining but Jake was watching me and I didn't want him asking more questions. Things were going good. The three of them were laughing, telling crazy stories from childhood. They'd known each other forever and it reminded me home. The more I watched them the more the dull ache in my chest grew. I tried my best to enjoy myself and I found that I really was, but the noise in my head never went away.

I looked up from the table to find Jake's eyes on my milkshake. Everyone else's were pretty much gone but I'd only had about a quarter of mine. It wasn't my fault though. He loved milkshakes. We'd always get them as celebration after games whether they won or not. I didn't deserve to be drinking one without him. I could feel his eyes on me and I willed myself not to look. Hennessey and Oli were laughing about some time Oli tried to do a back flip on her trampoline. I fiddled with my phone realizing that it was still turned off from class earlier so I turned it on. All at once several text messages and missed calls from my mom and brothers came flooding in and I realized my mistake.

I never told them I was going out. They probably thought I'd run away or worse. Everyone's eyes were drawn to my phone as it buzzed continuously. I was about to answer the millions of texts when Nathan's face appeared on my screen for a facetime. I quickly accepted the call and Nathan's frantic voice filled the silence.

"Jesus Christ Nick where the hell are you? You gave us all a bloody heart attack! Why didn't you answer us? Fucking hell we thought you'd done it this time! Mom was about to call the police! Fuck man don't scare us like that!" His voice cracked at the end and I could see the tear stains on his cheeks. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to apologize a million times over for everything but I couldn't find the words. The look on his face was a mixture of fear and relief and all I felt was immense guilt. When I heard my mother's voice in the background, panicked and rushed, I felt my heart plummet.

"Nathan is that him? Did you get a hold of him?" There was a rustling noise and my mom's face appeared on the screen, red and swollen, with fresh tears pouring from her eyes. "Oh my baby! My baby. Where are you? Why didn't you come home and why didn't you tell us? We were so worried we thought... no, no it doesn't matter just please come home okay. Please." All I could do was nod and the call ended. I looked up and saw everyone faces on me displaying different emotions. Oli held a mix of shock and concern, Jake displayed just plain worry, and Hennessey was unreadable.

She was the first to speak of slowly rising from the booth. "Come on, we'll take you home."

The ride was mostly silent. No one knew what to say and they kept sharing glances but never looking at me for more than a second, as if I'd break beneath their stare. Unsurprisingly my mom was waiting for me on the porch when we pulled up. I'd only just stepped out of the car when I felt her strong embrace. She kept muttering something that sounded vaguely like 'Thank God' and that only made me feel worse. I had honestly never meant to scare them but it had never crossed my mind to tell them I was going out. She finally pulled away and saw Jake standing beside the car.

"Thank you. Thank you for bringing him home." She clasped his hand in both of hers and he only smiled sadly.

"We're very sorry. We took him for milkshakes to try to make him feel more welcome. It never even occurred to us to see if he was actually allowed."

"Oh." She looked at me with a gleam in her eyes. "Well I'm glad he's making friends it's just..." She trailed off and I was silently thankful she didn't tell them her real fears.

"No need to explain Mrs. Jordans. We'll be sure to tell you next time." He smiled and stepped back into the car giving me one last glance.

Mom took me by the hand and lead me inside. I was greeted by my dad who didn't say a word but hugged me like his life depended on it. My brothers were standing in the living room when I walked in. Neither of them said a word but they pulled me into one of our infamous 'Jordans Hugs' which was basically them squishing me between them. I looked around at my family, all watching me with relief painted in their eyes. They believed that they had lost me and I instantly felt the guilt flood forward.

"M'sorry. I just, I..." The shaking was returning and I began to grow frustrated at the lack of words forming in my mouth. "It didn't even occur to me to text you."

"It's okay honey. You were making friends, that's great. Just don't leave us out of the loop next time yeah?" He hand rubbed against my back and I looked around, forever grateful for having such an amazing family. I'm not sure why they still put up with me. I motioned towards the stairs and my mom nodded, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek before shoving me towards them.

I collapsed on my bed, spent from lack of sleep and the freak out earlier. I closed my eyes wanting to rest for only a moment but for once sleep came to me with ease.

I woke the next morning in yesterday's clothes but with a blanket thrown over me. For a moment everything felt normal and I went to check my phone to see if I had any texts but once again reality hit me like a tsunami when I realized that the text I was hoping to receive wouldn't be there.

Instead all I had was old messages, videos and photos to scroll through when I missed him, which was pretty much always. Scrolling through always brought a mixture of emotions. I'd laugh at the stupid memes and texts we sent, or I'd shake my head at his stupid decisions and girl advice. Then there was the sadness and the crushing weight of guilt that was brought on by the last text. The very last text he ever sent me, or anyone for that matter. Forever ingrained into my brain like a neon sign.