"I can still hear his screams! It's all I hear and it just gets louder and louder until I can't tell if they're his screams or my own! I just need it to stop! Please just make it stop."
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5 things you can see.
4 things you...
On the last day before break everyone seemed antsy. The day felt as though it was twelve hours instead of six and everyone was itching to for it to end and for the two and half week break to start. It was the 16th of December and I had yet to buy any gifts for anyone. I pretty much had ideas for what I wanted to get everyone except for Hennessy. I need to get her something extra special and I have to get her two gifts since it's also her birthday. Nathan and I are supposed to go to the mall in the next town tomorrow because he hasn't gotten any presents either. When the final bell rang it was worse than a stampede. Kids were literally running out of the building. It was actually kind of funny.
The four of us said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. Due to family obligations we wouldn't see each other again until the 28th which is when we decided to exchange gifts. Hennessy's extended family was coming to stay this year, Jake's aunt was taking him and his brother to visit their grandparents and Oliver was going to Florida with his sisters. As for me, well it's just my parents, my brothers and I this year. Mom thought it would be best if I wasn't forced to interact with family. I felt a little bad because we haven't seen anyone much since before the accident, but at the same time I was grateful. Adam's family might end up coming down for a day or two anyway so we won't be totally alone.
When I got home, Mom was digging through boxes. I recognized them as the old Christmas decorations. I was starting to think she wasn't going to decorate this year. I leaned against the door frame waiting for her to notice me, which she did with a start.
"Oh Nick honey, you startled me." She smiled with her hand lightly placed over her heart.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
"You alright love?"
No. I thought but nodded anyway. With a sigh she glanced at the string of hideously tangled lights in her hand.
"Care to help your dear old mother out? I'm not sure where your brothers are but knowing them, that's the point." She laughed and although it was light I could hear the meaning behind it.
We were all having a hard time right now and it was obvious. It was rare that we spent holidays just the five of us, but at the same time we couldn't handle the usual chaos that generally comes. With slightly shaking hands I took the mess of bulbs and wire from her hand and smiled ever so slightly.
Decorating with mom was nice. We worked in silence mostly, accompanied by her occasional humming and a shared laugh at an old memory that was found within many decorations. There was the glass reindeer with only half an antler because Noah accidentally knocked it off the bookshelf when he was 11. The stuffed Santa with only one eye because Nate chewed the other one off as a toddler. Having three boys, there was no shortage of broken ornaments and decorations and we kept them all if possible, but my favourite will always be the snowman ornament. It's half burnt, with only one button left and the string has been replaced 6 times yet year after years it hang on it's rightful place on the middle of the tree. We got it the year I was born and I've always considered it good luck. I would make a wish on it every year on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure yet whether the tradition has died. I haven't a clue what to wish for this year.
"You know, when your father brought that home I almost threw it away right then and there. I thought it was the tackiest thing I'd ever seen. But as soon as you saw it you started giggling like mad, you loved it. And I knew that I could never get rid of something that brought you so much joy. I'd thank the lucky stars every year that I kept it when I'd see that look on your face whenever you saw it. Filled with such light and hope. Even now, though I know you don't see it but I do. That tiniest bit of hope for something, anything."
Mom placed a small hand on my back and went to turn away but I stopped her. I pulled her into a hug and I prayed that she would understand all the things I was trying to tell her. I've been taller than my mom for years now, but standing here now, in her warm embrace, it's like I'm a little kid again and the worst thing to happen to me is a scrape on the knee. In that moment, in the newly festive looking living room, I'm safe.
~~~~~~~
I woke up with a start. I looked around to see who had pulled me from the nightmare but there was no one in my room this time. The clock on my bedside table read 5:21am. I must've woken up before anyone else could be made aware of my nightmare. This one was different though. I can't exactly explain why because I never remember the dream itself but this one felt different. It makes no sense. I turn the TV on low to some nature documentary and wait for the rest of the house to wake up. It feels weird being alone after a nightmare, but at the same time I'm glad that my family gets a chance to sleep all night.
It's several hours later when Nate and I finally get to the mall for some Christmas shopping. To be totally honest the both of us are a bit lost when it comes to finding the right gifts for people so I'm not sure why we thought coming together was a good idea.
"So I have to buy for... everyone. What about you? Everyone?" Nathan says while turning his head to look at the expanse of stores before us.
"Everyone." I mutter.
We share a small sigh before going into the first store we see. It happens to be a candle store and I know how much mom loves candles. I buy her favourite scent, lavender vanilla, as well as a few others that I think she'll like. I see Nathan has found a small soap kiosk and I shake my head a little. He always gets mom soap.
Shopping for Noah is actually pretty easy. He likes sweaters so Nathan and I both get him some really nice ones. Nate has bought a few other things for what I assume to be friends. I got a gift for Hennessy but I'm not sure if it's her birthday or Christmas gift yet. It's a simple silver bracelet but you can add charms to it. I bought four charms for it. A simple silver H, a small golden rose, two interlocking silver hearts, and bronze tree. I'm hoping she understands the meaning behind each charm because I put a lot of thought into it and I'm sure I saw Nate laughing when I was picking them out.
"Hey what about this store. For your friends." Nathan pointed to a clothing store that actually seemed pretty cool.
Right away I found some band shirts that I think Oliver will love, as well a purple hoodie for Adam that's more of an inside joke than a gift. When we first met he said his favourite colour was purple and we never let him live it down. I'll get him a band bracelet or something to go with it later. I was struggling with what to get Jake and I wandered around the store, coming to the back wall. It was covered in beanies and I swear my heart stopped momentarily. My eyes skimmed the beanies, not really looking but unable to look away.
"Can I help you find something?" A girl about my age asked. She appeared out of nowhere and I self consciously wondered if she'd been watching me stare at the wall.
"No." My voice cracked and I shook my head.
"Well if you need anything, let me know. My name's Kate." With a nod of her head she was gone and I was once again left alone.
There was one beanie in particular that seemed to be calling to me. It was simple really, grey with a blue fuzzy pom-pom on it. I'm not sure what possessed me to do so but I bought it before I could come to my senses.
We finished up our shopping within an hour or so, splitting up for a bit to buy each other's gifts and we head home. It wasn't until later that night that I finally realized why I bought the beanie. Sitting on my bed staring at it where I placed it beside the box it my closet it suddenly made perfect sense. Shawn would have loved it.
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// AN - This was pretty rushed to be honest. I haven't had a lot of time to write lately so I apologize profusely for any spelling/grammar errors I missed. //
