The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

8. Revelations

It was late afternoon when we finally turned off the xbox. My mom insisted that Adam and I go out and explore the town.

"The video games will still be here when you get back."

So we went out. I'm not entirely sure where we are but it's not like we can really get lost here. Sure, George Church is bigger than home, but it's nowhere near big enough that we won't be able to find our way back. The air was a little chilly being mid October so I had the sleeves of my sweater pulled over my hands. We walked along Main Street, casting small glances at the shops and businesses along both sides. Adam stuck his hand out the stop me and pulled through a door. I recognized it immediately as Rush, the diner I'd been to with Oli, Jake and Hennessy.

"This place is cool. Plus it smells amazing in here. Oh look they have milkshakes." I could tell Adam was excited. He usually was when food is involved.

"Nick? Hey Nick over here!" Across the diner Oli was waving both arms wildly above his head at me. Hennessy and Jake had both turned in their seats to look at me. Hennessey gestured for me to sit. Adam shot me a look before making his way towards them, growing even more excited at the idea of meeting my friends.

"Hey I'm Adam, Nick's friend from Hallbrooke." He shook everyone's hand and they introduced themselves.

"Alas the mystery is fading. We finally know something about Nick." Oli laughed at his own joke and Adam looked at him puzzled.

"Hallbrooke. Now we know where he's from." He explained with a chuckle.

I grew slightly uneasy at the new information. They know where I'm from so now they could find out what happened. It wasn't likely but I couldn't help my racing heart.

"I see. Nick's a quiet guy though so it doesn't surprise me."

I felt the questioning glance that Adam cast my way but I refused to meet his stare.

"Yeah we've noticed." Jake muttered.

An awkward silence settled across the table and I did my best to shoot daggers at Adam's head with my eyes.

"So Adam, how long are you visiting for?" Hennessy asked. She was absentmindedly playing with her milkshake but her eyes were fixed on me.

"Just until tomorrow night. Gotta be back at school on Monday unfortunately."

"Oh cool. You go to school in Hallbrooke then?" Jake asked

"Nope. Graduated last year. I'm currently at Bayshore University."

"That's impressive. What are you studying?"

"I'm working towards a biology degree."

The four of them fell into mindless chatter. Adam shared stories from when we were kids but steered clear of anything related to the accident. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. It was nice to see my new friends getting along with my oldest friend. I think it's safe to say they have Adam's sacred approval.

I found myself watching Hennessey. The lights in the diner reflected in her eyes so they looked like they were on fire, and her hair was left down, wavy and smooth. When she laughs it lights up her whole face. I don't think it's possible for her to be sad. I'm pretty sure my heart will just break completely if I ever see her cry. There's something about her that I can't quite put my finger on. She's beautiful obviously but it's more than that. Being around her feels familiar. Maybe because she doesn't look at me like I could disappear any second or with sympathy. It's refreshing. It's normal. I just want normal.

It was a little after 5 when Adam decided we should head back. Reluctantly, I complied. I love my family but they can be suffocating. It's nice to be out without four pairs of eyes watching my every move. The walk back was slow. We were enjoying the fresh air even though the wind was cold enough to sting my cheeks. Adam was being a goof, purposefully breathing heavily so he could see his breath dissipate in a cloud before his eyes. It was like we were kids again. I used to like the feeling of nostalgia. It used to make me feel happy, thinking about my life. Now, like most things, it just makes me feel sad.

My thoughts are beginning to grow louder. I want to drown them out, be self destructive so I don't have to feel. That's nearly impossible to do, especially with Adam here. I also couldn't do that to my family. I can't keep giving them reasons to worry.

~~~~~~~

I'm still not used to this house. The creaks of the floorboards and the sounds that come from the walls late at night are enough for sleep to evade me. On the floor Adam stirred and sighed.

"I miss him too you know. I mean I know I wasn't as close to him as you, but he was my friend too. I-I just... I don't know. I think you forget sometimes that there are people other than you that are still hurting."

His voice was shaking and his breaths were slow as if trying to contain his tears.

"I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you to get over it because I'm not. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to try to live more. He's not here and it sucks and it hurts and it sure as hell isn't fair. But he wouldn't want this. You're life shouldn't just stop."

My eyes were dry but I was still crying. My heart beating rapidly against my chest. I knew he was right. Of course he was right and I want nothing more than to live like he said. But I can't. I'm not ready. Somewhere in my head he's still here and I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find a text from him and everything will go back to the way it was. No matter how hard reality throws itself in my face I desperately cling to that delusion.

I laid there a while, just listening to Adam's breathing.  For some reason I found myself thinking about time. I wish it would just stop for once, or at least pause for a while. Give me time to get it all together. I let my eyes close while my mind wandered. I saw him, in my dreams, but it wasn't accompanied by nightmares. It was peaceful. For a moment I felt as though everything was going to be okay. Then I woke up.