The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

21. Tranquil

For the most part things were back to the way they were when I first moved to George Church. Going back to school after my hospital stay was terrifying. People were staring at me constantly, either out of fear or sympathy. I hated both. The teachers all treated me differently. Like I was glass and could shatter at any given moment. They pretty much give me straight A's. Except for Mr. Wize. He still writes little notes on my work asking me to try harder and calls me out in class. It's safe to say that he's my favourite. At lunch the four of us keep more to ourselves. We still sit at the same table but no one really pays much attention to us. I think they're scared of me. I don't blame them.

It's December now, Christmas is only a few weeks away and I'm not sure how I feel. On one hand I've always loved Christmas, but on the other it's the first one without Shawn. We always got each other the same thing. Ever since we were kids. It was always a new beanie, a bag full of gummy bears, and a card with a poorly draw duck on it. It was our thing. I can't remember for the life of me why we started it but I do know that I've kept every single one in a box under my bed. I never imagined there would be a time that I stopped adding to that box.

I was sitting at the  lunch table, lost inside my head once again. I didn't notice when Hennessey sat beside me, but I did notice Oli. I think the whole school did.

"HAPPY TWO WEEKS 'TIL CHRISTMAS SLASH HENNESSEY'S ROCKIN' FUCKIN' BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!" He shouted as he approached.

"Seriously Oliver? You know how I feel about my birthday." She glared at the purple haired boy.

"And you, my lovely HJ, know how I feel about your birthday and how much I fucking love it." He smirked and sat across from us.

I looked at them with confusion. They were interacting like this was a normal occurrence, an old inside joke between friends. I guess it was. Hennessy eventually looked over and saw my confused state and sighed dramatically.

"My birthday is on December 25th and yes, I'm fully aware that it's Christmas. Oli always thinks he can cheat by getting me one huge present and calling it my 'Merry Birthday Christmas Present'." She was trying to look annoyed but I could see the smile beneath it.

The two continued with their ridiculous conversation. I tried to follow it but I found myself getting distracted by the stupidest things. A kid passing by might've been staring at me but probably wasn't, a girl laughing with her friend might've been laughing at me but probably wasn't. All the sudden I was a little on edge and it wasn't a feeling I enjoyed. I think that the closer it gets to Christmas the worse I'm going to feel. It was over halfway through lunch when Jake finally showed up. He looked tired and a little bit pissed. He seemed to want to punch something. It wasn't like him.

"Hey nice of you to finally join us. I was starting to think you found some other friends or something."

"Hey Oliver? Fuck off why don't ya." Jake snapped. The three of us went silent and looked at him. He was never one to snap like that. He took a few deep breaths before speaking. "I'm sorry for snapping. It's just I was at the stupid guidance office because they wanted to 'check in' and she asked me a bunch of questions I'm not ready to answer, my brother is not doing well with this whole thing, my aunt is driving me absolutely insane and my dad is trying to see us and it's just a whole mess."

"It's okay. I know we don't understand, but we're here. You know you can talk to us." Hennessy said with a smile and reached a hand across the table to his. He smiled gratefully and the bell sounded. I guess that was the end of that conversation.

~~~~~~~

When the final bell rang Jake disappeared and Oli rushed out saying something about a new Battlefield game or something. So it was just Hennessy and myself. She didn't want to go home because her parents were making some new delicacy recipe they found online and she didn't want to be around when it ended up being terrible, as usual. So she suggested going to the park and I assumed she meant the one we went to before, when Oli thought he broke his arm, so I was mildly confused when she took me in the opposite direction.

"We're going to my getaway, my favourite place." She said with a small smile. "It's a secret though, not even the boys know."

It seemed to me that Nessy knew all the hidden secrets of this town. She lead me down a sketchy looking back alley and through a hole in a rusty chain link fence. For some reason I continued to follow her, even though it could very well lead to my death. We ended up in a garden, overgrown and poorly kept but it was amazing. There were flowers of all kinds, vibrant and magical. It smelled like love and that's the only way I can describe it. It was such a Hennessy type place. At the very center of the garden was a rusty old playground that had one swing, a slide, one and a half teeter totter and a merry-go-round. It was perfect.

"When I was a little girl, my grandmother used to bring me here all the time. She would come and tend to the garden and I'd play. She used to sing this song while she was working and it was so beautiful and I don't know, just being here made me feel like I could do anything. I don't know who this place belongs to, but it'll always be my place. Like when I feel like I don't know who I am, this place will always remind me. And when Grandma died this place became that much more special."

"So why show me?" I questioned as I sat on the swing. It groaned under my weight and I thought for a moment it'd break but much to my surprise it held. Hennessy smiled at the sound of my voice.

"You always seem so lost. It's like you're here but somewhere else at the same time. Lost in the depths of your own mind. I guess I just thought that maybe you could actually be here, in the moment here."

It happened in slow motion and all at once. One moment she's talking to me over by the slide and then slowly and suddenly she's in front of me, and she's got her hands over mine, and she's looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes. For some reason that I can't fathom, she sees me. The me I was before Shawn died. The me I don't see anymore except for in memories and dreams. I don't understand why, but my mind is quiet and my breaths are heavy and it's like she's the best drug in the world. Suddenly I feel all those cliches they talk about in books and movies and I finally understand why they say it feels like falling. It's that weird tightness in your stomach and the tingling in your limbs and it's your heart racing so hard it could give out any second.

Her lips are against mine and they're soft and sweet and it feels right. It's even nicer than last time because this one feels like all the words I'm unable to speak. We understand each other. The world is cruel and life isn't fair and we understand each other. Our lips pull away but our hands stay intertwined. So I pull her onto my lap and we stay there, gently swinging for what feels like hours. When the sun starts to dip beneath the horizon and the cold becomes unbearable we go home. We kiss some more before we part ways. And that night while I'm asleep, the nightmares stay away and instead I dream of her.