The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

11. Secrets

After that day things in my life were relatively good. Hennessey and I aren't together or anything, but things between us were different. A good different. We casually hold hands at lunch, wait at each others lockers at the end of the day, I give her a hug when we part ways. Jake and Oli always give us knowing looks but never mention it. Or at least they don't mention it to me. I've spent a lot of time with them over the past few weeks. We hang out at Oli's and play Xbox because he has the biggest tv. The boys always think I'm cheating when I kick their butts at certain games but I'm not. I used to play a lot of these games back home with him. Down in his basement we'd play for hours. I've developed some skills.

Oli's mom is also never home. She's a hot shot lawyer so most of the time she's off working on cases around the country. Being the youngest child, Oli takes full advantage of his parental neglect, hence the whole biggest tv thing. Hanging out at Oli's is always a party.

When we have particularly hard days we hang out at Jake's, enjoying each other's company. His house is by far the nicest and it's usually quiet. Jake doesn't really like to talk about it but his dad basically buries himself in his work so he's not really around much either. His little brother, Ryan, is always at a friend's house or something. He's 14 so he's always out doing something and being a rebellious teenager.

I haven't been to Hennessy's yet but that's mostly due to the fact that everyone claims her parents are super weird. Don't get me wrong, she's not embarrassed of her family, she loves them a lot, it's just that they're always trying strange new foods and are always looking for taste testers. Oli says it's best to say you have an allergy. Hennessy's family owns the local bookstore in town JJ's Bookshoppe, so she often helps out there after school. Her mom is an artist which explains Hennessy's obsession with photography. I actually kind of want to meet them.

Out of all the times we've hung out I'd never invited them to my house and they've never asked. Part of me feels slightly bad about it but I also know it's better this way. A person's house is filled with their life. I'm not ready for them to see my life yet.

At school things are good. I can tell you the names of most of the people at my lunch table now. Wow, my lunch table. That's such a weird thing to say but I guess it's the truth. I've blended myself in with the group like I was always there. I still don't have much to say though and that earns me the occasional weird look in the halls. Mostly the questions and speculation have died down. There are only two people who really have a problem letting it go. Caleb and Addy, or 'Caddy', as everyone calls them. They're the power couple of the senior class. They're perfect for each other, both equaling annoying and entitled. They're always asking questions or talking to me indirectly at lunch. I won't give them the satisfaction of letting them get to me. Besides, I usually have Hennessy, Jake and Oli as buffers. 

My conversations with Officer Tommy are growing shorter and less frequent. I still miss him like crazy though. My parents seem pleased that I don't stay holed up in my room for hours at a time anymore. I notice them becoming a little more lenient towards me which is appreciated. I think they're just excited that I'm being a 'normal teenager'. My brothers are around less which I hope is a sign of them getting back to their lives. Things are good, no doubt, but nothing for me has really gotten better. The thoughts are still there, running through my head at warped speed. I still don't speak much. My eating has gotten better but I think that's mostly due to the distraction of having friends. When I'm with them it's easier to go through the motions. When I'm alone the pain is more prominent and the thoughts get louder. The nightmares are still there. However, when I get to school each morning it's hard not to smile and laugh with my friends.

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"Where's Jake at today?" I asked Hennessy, our intertwined hands swinging back and forth.