The Wondrous Pain of Letting Go

19. Tragedy

//Italics are the past in case you get confused.//

I could see the anticipation forming in their eyes. I knew this was it. I'll tell them and then they'll know how much of a freak I really am and they'll leave me. But they have to know now. So I close my eyes and try to control the shaking in my voice.

"Shawn. The other boy in the video. His name was Shawn." I opened one eye to see the sad looks on full display. "We'd know each other practically our whole lives. Best friends since age 6. We were like brothers." This is too hard. I can't do this. Somehow I managed to continue.

"Me and Adam lost touch for a while a few years back so all I had was Shawn. We were always together. Either at my house or his. Mom used to joke that some days she only had two sons and some days she had four. It was a little unhealthy how much time we spent together." I was trying to keep my tone light but I know what happens next so it was near impossible.

"It was February 24th. He was on his way to my house, we were supposed to be going to a stupid party. We were talking on the phone because he knew I didn't like when he texted while driving, a bad habit he had. I told him not to take the short cut over the bridge. It was too snowy, it wasn't safe. We argued but he insisted because it cut 5 mins off the drive. I should've fought to convince him harder. Next thing I know he's screaming. He's screaming and screaming and then it was quiet."

I look at my three friends. All of them have tears glistening in their eyes. "I kept yelling his name but he wouldn't respond. Eventually my mom came in to ask what was going on. And I cried and told her what had happened and she called 911 but it was already too late. There was nothing to be done. I heard him die. I heard him die and I couldn't save him."

The tears were flooding out at this point. I was shaking uncontrollably. No one knew what to say. I was kind of grateful. Usually people's response right away was to tell me it wasn't my fault. I knew that already. It doesn't mean I don't feel guilty. "It's not fair. It should've been me."

"No. No Nick don't you ever say that. You're right it's not fair but this is how it is. Your life is not worth any less than his was." Hennessey was violently gripping my hand, face red and eyes hard.

"But it is. He was the good one. Good grades, star hockey player. He was the nice one. I was always Shawn Anderson's best friend or the pretty boy. It would've been better if it was me." I took breath to calm myself though I knew it was no use.

"I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live my life when he's not here to live it with me. I wake up everyday hoping for a text that I'm never going to get. I can't eat knowing that he doesn't get to anymore and I can't find the words to even speak because I don't get to hear his voice anymore. When I close my eyes I still see his face and hear his laugh and oh god the screams. I can still hear his screams. It's all I hear and they just get louder and louder until I can't tell if they're his screams or my own. I just need it to stop. Please just make it stop." My voice cracked at the end and I was out of breath. I could practically hear their hearts break for me when I saw the pained looks on all their faces.