"I can still hear his screams! It's all I hear and it just gets louder and louder until I can't tell if they're his screams or my own! I just need it to stop! Please just make it stop."
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5 things you can see.
4 things you...
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I spent the following three days in the hospital, going on day four. I should've been released the day after the... incident but once I started refusing meals the doctor thought it'd be best to have me stay longer. He was worried about my mental health apparently. After a little over 48 hours of refusing to speak or eat I got a feeding tube put in and a 24 hour watch put on me. It wasn't anything I'm not used to. Everyday my friends came to visit and everyday I refused to see them. I don't want to drag them into my screwed up life anymore than I already have. My mom stopped by around 8 times a day. It got annoying at times but I knew she was just worried about me. Maybe you should stop giving her reasons to worry then. Dad and my brothers rarely came by, not that I blamed them. I wouldn't want to see me either.
I was pulled from my thoughts by the door opening. Dr. Aarons stuck his head in before opening the door all the way and entering the room. He nodded to Kelly, the day shift nurse that was to watch me. At night it was James.
"How ya doing today Nick?" He went around checking my chart and vitals as usual. I didn't respond and kept facing the wall. I heard him sigh and pull up a chair closer to the bed.
"Listen. I'm not going to pretend I understand. I'm not going to try to be your friend or any of that crap. I'm just going to tell you how it is. If you continue down this self destructive path, you're going to die. I realize that might be the ultimate goal but I don't think you truly understand what that means. You don't want to talk? Fine. That's not the issue here. You don't want to eat? Well that's when you and I start to have a problem. The longer you go the worse it gets."
I turned my head slightly to see the serious look on his face. It was determined and sad all at once. It made me want to cry. He caught my eye but I quickly looked away so he continued.
"Your friend died. Your friend died and it hurts and it's not fair and it's hard and all that. I'm not saying that your grief isn't justified because it is. But you need to find a better way to deal because what you're doing right now isn't working. You're pushing away your feelings because you don't know how to handle them. You're hurting only yourself because you're too afraid to let go. You're afraid you'll forget him. All that is distracting you from wants right in front of you. You have one of the most caring and understanding families I've met in my 25 years of practicing medicine. Don't push them away. They are barely holding it together but they'd never let you see that. They put you first always. If you continue the way you are, you're going to break them. You really are.
"And your friends are amazing. It's rare that you see such caring people that aren't family. They're here because they want to be, because they care about you. They don't have to be here. They could walk away at any given moment and it would be justified. But they've stayed. Think about how your decisions are affecting them. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just want you to realize everything that you have, and everything you could have if you wanted it. If you don't want help then I can't force you. No one can. Only you can decide your life. I'm just here to tell you how your decisions affect your life. And I now I have. So do me a favour and think, really think about what you're doing. Then talk to me about what you want because you can't hide forever Nick." With that he stood and walked out, leaving me confused and a little bit hurt.
Somehow I knew he was right. He talked to me straight, not like I was just some kid. He wasn't dancing around my feelings like everyone else seemed to. He reminded me a lot of Officer Tommy or Mr. Wize and I think that's why what he said hurt me. I didn't want to think about anything. I didn't want to think about Shawn. It's been about 8 months since he died and still I can't think about him without feeling as though my heart is being ripped out. If I'm going to let go that means I have to come to terms with everything but I'm not ready for that yet. I don't think I ever will be.
Dr. Aarons was right. I'm afraid that if I allow myself to let go of him, I'll forget him. That would be the absolute worst thing I can imagine. At least if I die I can see him again. But he was also right about breaking my family. I've already hurt them so much. They won't be okay if I leave them. They'd get over it. They'd be better off. I must have been a terrible person in a past life because I can't think of any other reason for how my life turned out like this. It was quiet in my room for a while before Kelly spoke up. It startled me because she'd never spoken to me before.
"I heard a quote once. You might like it. 'One day you're 17 and you're planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.'"
That was all she said before she went back to her book. It sounded vaguely familiar. And something about the way she said it sent a shiver down my whole body. She almost sounded heartbroken. All I know is that when dinner time came around I requested to remove the feeding tube, and when I was given a plate of food, I ate every last bite.
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"Well, it's been a nice six days but I hope we don't see you back here for a while NIck." Dr. Aarons said as I waited for my mom to sign the discharge papers.
During my short stay in the hospital I had started seeing a counselor, Dr. Kathryn Jacobs. We didn't get very far because I'm still finding that the words I think don't make it past my lips. She was nice enough not to push me but also firm enough that she had me write. She didn't ask me to write answers to questions she asked or to write my feelings or any of that bullshit. She simply told me to write. Majority of the time I wrote poems or song lyrics, sometimes even quotes I remembered from school and books. It was nice, no pressure. She always read what I wrote and never gave me any judgement. She never asked me why I wrote what I did. I like her. I made an appointment to see her twice a month. She told me she was looking forward to seeing what else my mind came up with. Overall I was feeling pretty okay.
"Ready hun?" My mom asked. I nodded and waved to Dr. Aarons as we headed out.
The drive home was short but it was nice. I had the window rolled down to enjoy the fresh air and I admired everything outside that I hadn't been able to see from a hospital bed. I noticed mom kept looking over at me but I tried to ignore it. We pulled up to my house and suddenly it seemed a lot bigger than it had before. I stared up at it for a minute before I finally found the courage to get out of the car. My dad opened the door before I could and he pulled me into a tight hug. "Welcome home." he whispered.
Walking into the living room I was surprised to see not only my brothers but Oliver, Hennessey and Jake, all awaiting my arrival. My brothers squished me into a 'Jordans Hug' both looking happy to have me home. My family left the room and it was just the four of us and a thick tension. As usual Oli spoke up first.
"So are we gonna just stand here? Because if we are can we at least order a pizza or something I'm starving."
We all burst into laughter and just like that, just like when Jake came back, things were okay. I hugged the three of them, Hennessey got a longer embrace of course, and we hung out like nothing had ever happened. They caught me up on things that had happened while I was gone and made fun a Oliver's crazy new hair. They knew my secret and yet they didn't treat me any different. I was grateful to them and in this moment, things felt okay again.
