"I can still hear his screams! It's all I hear and it just gets louder and louder until I can't tell if they're his screams or my own! I just need it to stop! Please just make it stop."
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5 things you can see.
4 things you...
Mauerbauertrauirgkeit: the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends you really like.
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Hennessy's POV
Growing up I used to think that the world could be whatever you want it to be and as long as you had faith and good friends nothing could ever hurt you. Little kid me was in for a huge wake up call. Until I turned 14 I thought the worst things that could happen in the world would always be just beyond my grasp. I never thought that they could happen to the people around me, the people that I love.
I remember the day Jake realized his mom wasn't coming back. I remember it very clearly. I watched him shatter the bathroom mirror with his fist and then slice his wrist open with broken shards. I never thought eyes could hold so much pain and I never wanted to see that look in his grey-blue irises ever again. I did see it again though, I still see it. It seems that the older we get the more the world likes to screw us over.
We've always had each other though. Me, Jake and Oliver it's always been just us. I mean, we got more friends as we got older with Oli and Jake being on the hockey team and all, but when it came down to it, no one else but us mattered. It's what I imagine Nick had back home with Adam and Shawn. It unimaginable to think of what it would feel like to lose Jake or Oli so I can't even begin to fathom what Nick feels; what's going through his mind all the time.
I look at Nick when he thinks no one is watching him, when he thinks no one sees him and it damn near breaks my heart. Despite what he may think he's not very good at hiding his emotions. I see that way he looks at Oli and Jake with longing but also he sometimes looks like he belongs with them, like he was there all along. When he looks at me, all I can see is love sometimes. His blue eyes are like windows and I might be a bit bias but I swear that it's at least strong admiration. I hope that's what it is because I swear sometimes I'm falling in love with him. Something about him just feels like he has always belonged in my life. Most of the time he just looks sad, like there's so much hurting inside him just trying to claw its way out.
Like right now he's sitting there pushing the fries around his plate and pretending that he gives a damn about Jake and Oliver's conversation. He has that stupid forced and fake smile on his face but it's clear that as usual his mind is elsewhere. His eyes are clouded over and he's subconsciously tapping his thumb and forefinger together. Gently I nudge him with my elbow and slowly he looks at me, blue meets brown, and just for a minute I see the real Nick. He's genuine and kind, a little arrogant and times, but mostly he Nick. And then in the time it takes for both of us to blink, he's gone. It wasn't until I met Nick that I actually understood the term 'the shell of the person they used to be' because he is the embodiment of that phrase.
"Hey." he whispers.
"Hey." I smile back, still lost in his eyes.
I don't know how long we sit like that but apparently it's long enough for the others to notice.
"If you're done in whatever crazy, lovebird, world the two of you are in you're welcome to come back to ours." Jake laughs with a knowing look.
"Shut up." Nick chuckles.
We pull away from each other but much to my surprise and delight he takes my hand in his and rejoins the conversation.
"Welcome back. We were just discussing whose house we're hanging out at after school. I mean we could go to my house but my mom is there with my sisters and Jake's house is..... Well you guys know. So that leaves Nessy's house or yours Nick. Or you know we could just go somewhere else...." Oliver trailed off.
"My house is no good. The parentals are hovering too much, we won't have any fun." Nick sighs.
"They're just worried about you love." I give his hand a squeeze.
"Well they shouldn't be." he mumbled.
"Too bad. They're your parents. It's what they do." I shrug.
"Yeah." he breathes.
That's the end of the conversation because the bell rings and everyone goes off on their own direction. Except me. I'm left sitting alone, feeling conflicted about everything I thought to be true.
~~~~~~~
"Hey have you guys seen Nick?" I ask to Jake and Oliver after school. We were all supposed to meet by the quad but Nick is a no show.
"Nope we had an extra practice after lunch so we didn't have class. I just assumed he went." Jake replies without really looking up from his phone.
"I don't think he did. I waited for him after his last class but he wasn't there and now he's not here."
"Weird. Did you try calling him?" Oliver asks.
"Yeah like four times.... I'm worried."
"I'm sure he's fine. Just give him another few minutes." Oliver reaches over and gives my head a reassuring pat but it doesn't quell the anxiety bubbling in my chest.
After another 10 minutes and 6 more phone calls we came to the scary conclusion that Nick was in fact not going to show up. I glanced at my two best friends and I saw the panic in their eyes that surely matched my own. Wordlessly we piled into Jake's car and made our way to Nick's house. Something told me that he wasn't there.
The whole walk up to the front door my nerves were on overdrive and when Jake knocked I thought my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. Nick's father opened the door. I'd never really spoken to him before other than a quick hello when Nick was in the hospital.
"Hey guys. What can I do for you?" his smile is genuine but his eyes are tired.
"Is Nick here? He was supposed to meet us." I offer with a shrug.
"No... He texted us saying he was going to be with you." There was a hint of panic flash across his face before it turned to realization. He turned around and shouted into the house.
"NOAH! NATHAN! GET UP HERE!"
There was stumbling and someone cursing before both of the older Jordans brothers came barreling towards the door.
"Dad what's up?" Noah asked.
"He's done it again. He's gone."
There was a silence before both brothers muttered a 'shit' and grabbed their coats, pulling out their phones.
"Thank you for telling us. If you find him call us. Please."
With that the three of us are left on the doorstep alone and cold. I'm worried and more confused than I've ever been but mostly I'm scared, because I have this really bad feeling that something terrible is about to happen.
