All Bad

33. Habits

You're gone and I gotta stay, high all the time
To keep you off my mind...
Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe
I fall back down, gotta stay high all my life, to forget I'm missing you... 
- Tove Lo

Brie's POV

Seven weeks later and Justin and I were still in this painful limbo. Restlessly, I laid in the bed he'd bought me, on the side he used to sleep on, missing him and wishing he'd relieve me of this heartache.

I put a brave face on for everybody; I didn't cry to Cassie, I didn't call Justin nonstop and beg him to be with me, most people didn't even know we were on a break. Justin and I had decided to keep our parents and the public in the dark 'til we - well, he - decided what was going to happen.

When I was alone though; I was a mess. I wasn't eating properly, my sleeping pattern was all messed up and I was sinking into a secret depression that I kept very well hidden. On the outside I was smiling, on the inside I was screaming.

The worst part of it all was the loneliness. Not only did I feel alone because of the fact that Justin and I weren't together, but hiding how hurt I was caused me to withdraw a lot. Justin's album 'Purpose' had come out and done amazingly well, it had gone platinum already so he was everywhere I turned. I wanted so bad to be by his side to congratulate him and tell him how much he deserved all the success. I found it hard to talk even to Cassie because I didn't want her to know just how much this was affecting me.

I'd changed my number so that Derek couldn't contact me and gave no explanation to him for disappearing. Unfortunately he couldn't fill the emptiness I now felt as it was Justin who I truly wanted love and affection from.

All of my heart was stuck on Justin and I was getting nothing back from him, this was more painful than I could express in words. I drove myself crazy thinking that he could be with other girls, or even worse, while I was spending all of my energy agonizing over us, he could be somewhere falling in love with somebody else. I just really needed him to know how sorry I was and that I really did love him, and I needed him to decide to get back with me.

Justin called every now and then. The conversation was always awkward, I worked to keep it light and easy but I always cried when we got off the phone. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, how much I missed him and that I loved him but I was too scared that it'd make him realize that he didn't feel the same.

We hadn't seen each other since the day we left Fredo's apartment. Whenever he was in town we never ran into each other like we had when we first met and he didn't make any attempts to see me apart from two weeks ago when he texted me asking if I was home because he was back in LA and I lied and told him I wasn't. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him because I did, I just didn't know if I could take it.

Although this wasn't the first time Justin and I had stopped speaking, it was since we'd been official, which scared me. This wasn't meant to happen. But then again, I wasn't supposed to do what I did to him.

I got up out of the bed and reached under the mattress for my pack of cigarettes. Cassie would kill me if she knew I was smoking, she'd kill me even more if she found out I was drinking; she already brought up the fact that I was dropping weight at any and every chance she could. I couldn't help any of it though, I was so fucking stressed! These cigarettes and the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels that was stashed in the bottom of my wardrobe were the only things keeping me from going off the deep end.

Creeping into the hallway I made sure the coast was clear before sneaking into the bathroom. I locked the door behind me, opened the window and lit up. I took a deep drag and inhaled, I couldn't believe I'd become a smoker.