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I see myself enjoying the sun while I walk to the nearest bus stop to work, greeting familiar people while they do their usual everyday routines. I hear myself laugh as I watch Aling Elsa boss over the under-Mang Berting, say hi to Fernan by the auto shop, and wave to my pregnant high school classmate Anna.
Wait. I can literally see myself. And this scene, it's familiar.
No.
Not again.
Please.
RJ, stop walking! Maine will come looking for you any minute now—
"RJ!"
I see myself turn at the sound of her voice. I miss that sound.
Her smile was so bright. She could be my sun, lighting up my world while it orbits around her.
"Naiwan mo nanaman yung lunch box mo," she laughed as she ran towards me. "Sinasadya mo bang iwan yan kasi 'di masarap 'yung luto ko? Ikaw lalaki ka, sabihin mo na lang para di na kita ipagluto—"
"Tampo naman agad 'tong misis ko oh," I hear myself mumble in her hair as I bury my face in it. "Sinasadya ko lang para may good bye kiss ulit."
RJ, there's a speeding truck! Look to your right dammit.
I tried grabbing her to pull her aside but my hands just go past through her. She smiles at me and fixes my tie.
Pull her aside! Push her away! Fuck. I watched as the drunk truck driver switched lanes, and hit and ran over everything on the sidewalks. Including us.
No.
Not again.
Please.
Not Maine.
//
I jolted awake drenched in cold sweat. Only the endless ringing of silence and my rapid pants could be heard in the darkened room. I checked the glaring red numbers of the clock on my bedside table and read 3:15.
Water. I need water. Or coffee. I won't be able to go back to sleep again anyway.
I tried standing up from my bed but ended up sprawled out on the floor.
Dammit. I put my weight on the wrong leg again. When will I ever get used to having a missing leg?
