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Meng,
I hate writing you this every time but my fate isn't in my hands anymore.
I decided to join the army.
'Di ba, bata pa lang tayo gusto ko na talagang maging sundalo? I remember I asked Dad to buy me a toy gun so we can play hero-saves-princess. You as the beautiful princess, tapos ako yung darating na tagapagligtas mo. Knight in shining armor.
Nakalimutan ko lang saglit yung dream ko na 'yun habang tumatanda (waw) tayo. Napalitan ng teacher nung sinabi mo sakin na gusto mong maging teacher. Gaya gaya ba. Tapos naging nurse nung sinabi mong gusto mong maging doctor. Nurse lang kasi ayaw kong nakakakita ng laman loob (eww).
But since you moved out of town, I've been thinking. Pangarap ko ba talaga na maging teacher or nurse? O makasama ka lagi? Of course, it was the latter. I want to be with you. Always.
Tsaka gusto ko talagang maging sundalo.
So, I signed up immediately after graduation ng high school para pagkatapos na pagkatapos kong gumraduate sa army academy, tutuparin ko na yung sinabi ko sayo dun sa secret place mo nung in-announce ni Ms Montenegro na magta-transfer ka (naging secret place ko na yun pag-alis mo). Hahanapin kita. Papakasalan kita.
Syempre, malakas ka sa'kin. Hinanap kita. And I found you.
Did you wait for me like I asked you to? Ako lang ba ang BFF mo? Ako parin ba? Ako lang ba? Papakasalan pa kita.
But I found you laughing at some other guy's joke. You were happy.
I left. Not because I was jealous. Okay, scratch that. I was. But I saw you happy, and that's all I ever want for you. Maybe next time.
I signed up for a mission. I did great! Then I looked for you again, and saw you were happy. I left.
This cycle went on for years. Me signing up for a mission after finding you happy. It's a win-win. But tiring.
I thought I was happy. I thought I already made all my dreams come true. May kulang pa pala. My dream of being with you. Always. Papakasalan pa kita.
Hinanap kita. And I found you.
Pero ewan ko ba. There's something about seeing you happy that makes me take a step backwards and just watch from the sidelines.
Mind over matter. I told myself I was happy as long as you're happy. And I am.
But not the content kind of happy because I wanted to be your source of happiness. Masaya ako para sa'yo, pero para sa sarili ko, hindi.
Ang tapang ko sa mga mission, pero sundalo man ay naduduwag din. Duwag ako pagdating sa'yo. Takot ako na makita sa mga mata mo na mas masaya ka kapag wala ako.
Again, I left.
I should have approached you the first time I found you.
You reading this means I'm gone.
I'm sorry. Sorry kung hindi ko natupad yung pangako kong papakasalan pa kita. Duwag ako, sobra. Sorry.
RJ
P.S. Utang na loob, 'wag kang iiyak. 'Wag mo 'kong mamiss. Lalo lang akong masasayangan sa mga panahong hindi ako naglakas loob na magpakita sa'yo.
P.P.S. Malalaman ko 'yan kasi lagi lang akong nakabantay sa'yo.
//
In an isolated hospital hallway, a woman was crouched down against a wall, sobbing. Tears blurred her vision, one hand holding a slightly crumpled (and slightly wet) paper, the other hand in her scrub's front pocket, holding a yellowish stone.
"Ang daya mo naman, RJ," she hiccuped. "Naghintay ako. Papakasalan pa kita, 'di ba?"
