Destined

Drunken Memories (Part 4)

***Past***

I can't believe he left. He left me here. Alone. Upset. Hurt. Why'd he leave? If he loved me...why didn't he, stay? I needed him. His strength. This was his baby too. He wanted it. And he just leaves. I knew it was too good to be true. I can still feel the pain deep inside my body. He told me the other day at the elementary school when we were swinging that he loved me- true I told him first that I was infatuated before he spilt his emotions out for me, but never the less he told me he loved me.

Crying alone in the hospital room, I feel smaller than ever.

"I'm sorry..." His voice looms in the darkness from my clouded eyes and I almost wish I hadn't cried so much.

"Daryl...I'm so sorry..." I cry harder and he just races towards me and pulls me into a deep hug.

"You don't have to say that. Don't say that."

We hold each other for hours.

The next few days Daryl came over and checked up on me, but on the day I needed him most- he never came. I tried calling, texting, emailing- even writing him a letter- and still no response. I was in a black hole by myself. I needed him once more and he once again left me. I would skip school some days and sit outside his apartment, wanting to go up and knock, but never finding the courage. One day I got the course up, but behind the opened door was a beautiful couple with a baby. They told me that Daryl had moved a while ago and they noticed me watching them every day for a few weeks- they were waiting for me to come up and knock on the door. After I left their home, I went to the fire station and talked to Tyreese for a bit. But Daryl wasn't there either. He said that he took a vacation to the outer banks and would be back in July.

Every day for months, I would drop a letter off to the station so they could give it to Daryl. I desperately needed to see him. I needed to hold him, but he had been evading me.

As July turns over, I sit at the fires station door early one morning waiting for Daryl. I sit. And sit. And sit. And sit. I wait hours for anyone to show up, but no one does. Shaking my head, I stand up and head back to my truck. I'm done waiting for someone who obviously never truly loved me. Sitting in my drivers seat, I scrabble a quick message on a piece of paper, drive up toward the door and I tack it on with the gum I'd been chewing. Driving away, I cry harder than ever. He's such an asshole and a jerk. He's the worst person I've ever met.

Driving out to the quarry behind my house, I sit in my truck for a bit. The quarry used to be such a beautiful place where nature would move about it and live peacefully. One day a neighbor of mine struck oil on his lot. He built a run off pipe in the would a to carry the soiled amounts of oil that wasn't to be sold. The pipe broke along the quarry edge and without knowledge, leaked gallons of oil into the clear crystal blue water below. All the fish died, the deer were poisoned and a few wolves and coyotes drowned in the murky dead water after falling off the slippery cliff. This quarry and I are a lot alike. Barren, alone, and dying.

Reaching in my back pocket, I pull out my Grandpa's hunting knife he gave to Shawn, who left it in the barn when he left. I see myself perfectly clear in the titanium blade. Mindlessly taking the knife, I run it across my wrist, cutting deep into it. The pain is excruciating and I wail in pain. Tossing the knife on the ground, I desperately wish I didn't do that, as I search the cab for a rag or piece of cloth- anything- to wrap around my wrist. Blood stains my white shirt and my skin as it pools from my wrist. I cry harder than anything before. Finally getting my truck door open, I grab a t-shirt from under my seat and wrap it around my wrist. When the bleeding stops, I look down at the t- shirt wrapped around my arm and tears well up. The t- shirt is a Daryl's white fire fighter shirt. He left it in my car afterwards went swimming one day, the same day I saw all those long mysterious scars on his back.

Nothing hurts worse than realizing I am completely alone.

***

Arriving at the station after months of staying at my new apartment, I get up to the door and there is a white piece of paper on the door. Pulling it off, I stop in my body and feel my heart break.

Daryl,

You wanna hide from me like a damn child then go ahead! I have tried for months to get a hold of you, because I need you! And you refuse to be the man I thought you were, so I am writing this to tell you that I never want anything to do with you! I never want to see your face or hear your voice! How stupid was I to think that you could actually feel something besides anger!

You are an asshole and I don't love you any more! You ruined my life and I hope you feel like shit. If you got any of my letters- don't even both responding! Go do what you do best and fuck people and leave!

Your's truly,
    Beth.

PS: I hope you had all the fun you wanted on your vacation as I bawled my eyes out over you!

I just drop to my ass and stare blankly at the ground. I wasn't avoiding her to hurt her. I was trying to deal with my own personal problems. But I guess I have nothing to worry about any more. Because I'm just gonna drink myself to death.